A Not-So-Daily Prayer from the Lab

I got sucked in O.o

2012-01-25T11:54:00.000-06:00

Last night I got stuck in traffic. Like, stopped for several minutes, drive 20 feet, stop for several minutes, drive 50 yards, stop for several minutes, well, I could go on and on and on and..

Where was I? oh, stuck in traffic. Now normally I leave my office, and I'm at the gym within an hour and 15ish minutes. That includes waiting for the bus to take me to my car. Last night it took me better than an hour and 45 minutes, just to get to the gym. Home took another almost 20 minutes. So, I didn't make it to the gym in time for my class. Which put me in a crappy mood. Since MSJ wasn't home when I got there, I decided to play Fable. It came with the Xbox I bought MSJ for Christmas, and he wasn't playing it, so I didn't want it to go to waste.

He came home around 9:30, he has a late class at his karate studio on tuesdays. He kissed me hello, went to take a shower. At 10:30 he told me he was going to go to bed soon.

Holy crap, ya'll, I played that game for 3 hours, and didn't even notice! I can see that I will have to be careful with this new toy. It has the potential to be a serious time suck. I totally didn't anticipate that.

Cooking Attempt # 1? sure, let's say #1

2012-01-09T15:24:00.000-06:00

I thought I had written about it, but I couldn't find the link. Oh well.

I used to think that I was a decent cook. I'm not, really. Darn. I guess that's one of those things that takes practice. I thought I might have absorbed that during my childhood of helping mom and grandma cook.

I'm trying the low-carb diet right now. In addition to a strenuous gym that I've joined.

So I found some good low-carb recipes, just to get started. I found a recipe for Unstuffed Cabbage. Now, I like cabbage rolls. Not that I LOVE them, or really even like-like them, but I do enjoy them once in awhile. So I tried this recipe. I don't know if it was the type of pan I used, or maybe the cabbage was cut up too small, and I added too much onion to the meat balls, and there wasn't enough sauce. Now, that last one may have been because I didn't use the best pan. Also, it was pretty bland, the recipe made it sound like it was a taste sensation.

I have a good husband, who ate his plate with a little help from ketchup and A1. That totally didn't offend me, as it really wasn't as good as I hoped it would be. And when I said something about maybe trying it again, different pan, much much more salt and spices, he told me to go ahead, that he would be willing to try it again. Isn't he sweet?

Things that make you go hmmmm

2012-01-03T16:31:00.002-06:00

I have a conundrum.

I would like to post a p o s t...Can you post a post? Maybe I would like to make a post? write a post? yes, that's it.

I would like to write a post, but it involves someone I know who reads this blog (No, not you!). There is a good potential for hurt feelings, and stupid Google Blogger won't let me password protect a single post...stupid Blogger.

And, the reason I would like to post it is to get a little feedback, maybe get some help with an awkward and sensitive subject. I have 1 opinion, to just write the post and not post it...darn it there I went again...just write it and not post it? Ok, I'll go with that.

Now, you might be thinking, as my Dear MSJ was, why do I let so many of my IRL friends read this blog?? Well, it's because it doesn't dawn on you maybe a couple of years down the road you might need to write something potentially hurtful. I guess, now, I do know that, and I haven't added any new readers IRL in several years.

I might consider letting you read it privately via email if you ask, but not for general viewing, so if I don't let you please don't take it personally. It's me, not you. I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Overshare!

2011-12-23T13:18:00.002-06:00

*Spoiler Alert*

This is probably a TMI post. But I haven't had a personal one of those in awhile. I thought it was time again.

So, Today is 6 weeks from the D&C. We are cleared for sex. And I am feeling much better than I did at 3 weeks, now I'm actually interested in sex. I hadn't been for awhile. Poor MSJ.

But, that also means I haven't been doing any personal upkeep either. My legs are pretty scary. Even by my standards, and I let them go for a couple of weeks sometimes. At this point it's been 6 weeks since I paid any attention to my hairy regions. So I made an appointment for this afternoon to have a half leg, under arm, and bikini line wax this afternoon. Merry Christmas Honey!!

This one is a little deep.

2011-12-20T14:15:00.000-06:00

First topic: (there might be several)

This miscarriage has been quite hard on me. I'm mostly fine, but occasionally it will bring me down, usually when I least expect it. I've wondered in the past few weeks, why I didn't react this way when mom died? I know that everyone grieves differently, but while mom's death was hard, it didn't take me out of commission for several days, and leave me still crying 6 weeks later. I went to my psychiatrist, I'm not sure if it was last week or the week before, but anyway. I went, and she increased my Seroquel from 600mg (300mg am and pm) to 650mg (350mg pm and 300am). A few days later I began to see some paranoia seeping through. Not like the-government-is-trying-to-get-me (not to preclude the idea that the government is, in fact, out to get me), more of an i-think-i-did-it-are-you-sure-no-are-you-sure-you're-not-sure-so-maybe-yes sort of paranoia. And it wasn't getting better. And so easily irritated! Oh my gosh, I totally overreacted to a minor thing, and I felt like such an idiot afterward. There wasn't even a good way to go back and apologize for my behavior. I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing. So I called the clinic and she increased my dose to 350mg am and pm, a total of 700mg of this drug. I started the increase on friday morning and I think it's helping. My mind is calmer, more logical, less reactive. I have an appointment on thursday with the clinic. Oh well, at least the medicines are working.

Topic 1.5 (slightly related to First Topic, but different enough to warrant its own number):

The first weekend in December they had the State amateur Karate tournament. It was in the state capitol, and I have a very dear friend who lives there with her family. I asked if we could crash there on friday night (because we're slightly cheap, but also to get a chance to catch up) and it was a lot of fun. There was a point in the conversation that, if MSJ hadn't heard it and translated it for me that I wouldn't have caught. Susie was asking me how I knew I was Bipolar, because she didn't remember me being crazy when we were kids. I'm not sure I gave a great answer, because it made me stop and think. I began to notice real symptoms in graduate school. All of the crap from college was catching up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I began to see patterns, when I was in a good mood I was in a GOOD MOOD and when I was in a bad mood I was in a BAD MOOD. I tried to talk to the student health counseling group, but it only helped marginally. When I moved for the last job in 2003 I became friends with a woman who was being treated for severe depression. She finally convinced me to go talk to someone, and finally, I did. The diagnosis was quick, and while it took awhile to get the doses right, I could right away that it was better. I'm pretty sure that was fall of 2005, because I remember telling Dr C. So, that's the answer. Bipolar, especially Bipolar II, doesn't usually show up until the 20's. It usually resolves after menopause for women. yay. I could make the case for it several times in college, but not all the time, just flashes of over-emotion. But you might also be able to blame the vast amounts of alcohol and too little sleep, too. Ah, college.

First Topic, Resolution:

I think the reason the miscarriage hit me so hard was that it was so unexpected. With mom, she had been sick for several years. And getting worse. Also, and this is terrible to think, much less write, but what the hell, As mom got sicker and sicker I withdrew more and more. I distanced myself emotionally, which totally wasn't fair to Dad, but whenever I wanted to relieve dad, or give him a break he shut me, and Bro, out. He had to do it himself. And as mom got worse she wasn't able to influence his decisions like that. She withdrew, too. As her condition deteriorated, she pulled inward more and more. So I grieved a little at a time. It was a surprise, but it wasn't unexpected. But with the miscarriage it was like a blind hit. I didn't have a clue it was coming. At least if it happens again, I won't be blindsided by it. I might be heart-broken, an emotional wreck, but a part of me will be expecting it.

I'm just not that fond of Ladder-Climbers

2011-12-09T14:45:00.001-06:00

2 posts in 1 day!! Amazing!!

The week I started my new job the lab manager was sent home on bed rest, she's pregnant but isn't due until early January. That meant they had to bring the temp lab manager in early. I'll call him Will. At first I thought I liked him, he seemed pretty cool. But, sort of like high school cool? Not bad looking, charming, outgoing, that sort of thing. As the days progressed I found myself liking him more and more. He more and more reminds me of High School Cool, and since I HATED high school, it turns me off. But there was more to it than that, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I told MSJ that he reminded me of a sales person. 'Smarmy' was the best word. Will told us (Me, Cy, Jen and Jean) a few days ago that he had been lab tech, he earned an MBA, and now was trying to break into the Lab Manager position.

I finally figured out what I don't like about him. He is a sales person, but what he's selling is himself to the higher management. He doesn't (yet?) feel any responsibility for, or to, the members of the lab. He has his best interest in mind. The permanent lab manager (I'm calling her May) is genuinely concerned with the welfare of the lab and it's members, and that it is functioning properly. I think I'll be glad when she comes back.

My First Manic Justification. Alternately titled: This Insurance SUCKS!

2011-12-09T08:43:00.001-06:00

This week was a first for me. I know, I'm at an age where I thought there aren't too many more firsts, but here's one.

Since I was diagnosed, I have taken my medicine faithfully. FAITHFULLY. I am medicated, and happy to be that way. I remember what it was like immediately before I was diagnosed, I was super irritable, couldn't concentrate or sit still, or I was down down down depressed. I could sit on my couch for hours, days and not move except to go to the bathroom. And even then, I waited until I couldn't wait anymore.

So when i noticed that I was having manic spikes, I went to the doc and she increased the dose on one of my meds. I've been on the increased dose for about 10 days. I don't especially like it, I'm running a little higher than normal, but there haven't been anymore true spikes. So, I decided that I was ok, I didn't need the additional dose. And then I stopped taking the additional dose. I've never had the thought series that said, 'You don't need that medicine! You're fine without it!'. This line of thought is classic Bi-polar. The progression is: Depressed, get meds, level out, decide you're fine, stop taking meds, spike high, do something stupid/bad/dangerous/illegal, get caught, bottom out into depression.

Yesterday I forgot to take my morning pill, and for some reason I don't have my little pill bottle I carry with me that has some extra doses (for just such an occasion). So not only had I stopped taking the additional dose, I didn't get my standard morning dose.

I cried to Little Drummer Boy on the radio, and I was pretty high most of the day. I'm not sure I'd call it a manic spike, but by the time I got home I could definitely tell. So I sucked it up and on my way home I stopped at CVS and filled the stupid prescription filled (I had been taking free samples the doc and given me). It cost me $60 for a 30 day supply. That's about $2/pill. I thought $35 was high with Blue cross. This insurance SUCKS.

Yet another ramble, this time about work

2011-12-07T13:13:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure I have a lot to say, but it's been a few days, so here I go.

There are now 4 of us in our little cubicle area. Jean is a grad student with the university I'm collaborating with. She's usually here in the afternoons, but some days not at all. We get along ok, but she's very chic urban, and I'm NOT. There is also Car and Jen (names shortened to protect the innocent). They are both very nice, friendly and funny and understand my sense of humor, I am enjoying sitting next to them. Plus, we eat lunch together some days, so I have someone to eat lunch with. Yay!

However, Car and Jen work for the same boss, and they're not doing animal work. They're both working hard to get their first really large experiment moving, so they are working hard each day, planning and scheduling and writing protocols, etc. They sit behind me, and they're working hard, and I start to feel a little like a slacker. The fact that I'm not yet cleared to do the work I was hired to do is beside the point.

I did my Animal Facility training, which at this institution is call the Comparative Medicine Program. Or the CMP. I'm guessing it's part of that department, and since there isn't a ton of work being done they don't have a dedicated ARC program. It's really weird for me, I come from a high containment lab where you protect people from the diseases that we give the mice. That means it doesn't matter what you bring in, everything that goes out is sterilized. Here we are protecting the animals from us. So anything we want to bring in must be sterilized, either by Vaporized Hydrogen Peroxide (VHP) for large things, computers, supplies, or by some disinfecting wipes that are at the entrance of the facility for small things (cellphones, watches, badges). Here they don't care what you bring out, because the animals aren't infectious. It's a really different mentality. And there are a few things that they do, or don't do as the case may be, that makes me shake my head. I largely tried to keep my mouth shut, though. A new job, a new employer, new rules.

And speaking of new rules, I begrudgingly went out and bought new pants. I bought 4 pair. I might try again in a couple of weeks, maybe after Christmas sales?

I also thought I was largely done with "First Things" at this stage of my life, but for the first time I found someone in the bathroom who squats on the toilet seat. I heard someone in the next stall, well, utilizing the toilet, but when I looked down (reflex, I can't help it) there weren't any feet on the floor. I thought that was odd, so I double checked, and sure enough, no feet. This is a new facility, it was opened 2 years ago, and we are the first lab in this space. I promise, the toilets are clean!

hm, well that was more than I thought. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Being nice

2011-12-02T09:47:00.001-06:00

Because I live a ways from work, and traffic can be pretty bad some days, I usually leave the house between 7 and 7:30 (which is WAY earlier than my last job!!). I usually get to work between 8:15 and 9am, depending on whether or not there is an accident on 1 of the 2 roads I travel on. This morning was an easy drive, a little under an hour from driveway to desk. Around 8:20. There was no one else here. In a lab space that will hold up to 40 people, though right now it probably houses around 35, I was the first one in. By, like, 20 minutes. Now, I like to leave work at or near 5pm. I'd rather get here early, get stuff done, and go home, but it seems like almost all of the rest of the lab gets here late and stays to past 6pm or later. Earlier this week a guy I'll be working peripherally with STARTED a several hour protocol at 3:30 in the afternoon. He would be here until at least 6:30, probably closer to 7 or 7:30. All of this means that I probably won't have much help with animal experiments, because I'll want to start them early, and no one else will be here. I'll probably cave in and start later, because I don't see 3 or 4 people changing their habits, when the 1 new lady is the one outlier.

Man, sometimes I hate being accommodating.

A good thing, indeed

2011-11-28T15:12:00.001-06:00

I know you guys must be a little tired of reading about this, and I'm a little tired of writing about it. For my sake, and my few devoted readers, I'll try to give this incident a rest after this post.

So, went to see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I didn't cry, but it was hard to tell the story again. Then I mentioned that I had had at least 1 hypo-manic (higher than normal for me, but not screaming-high-MANIC), probably 3. It took until the 3rd one before I realized what was happening. I realized it when I was was sitting in church last sunday and I had to stifle the urge to laugh during the service.

This concerned my doc, and I was prescribed an additional 50mg dose each day. I can tell it has helped, my mind is my own again, I'm not struggling with concentration, apathy, anxiety, annoyance, avoidance, pick another a-word. [As a lead in, I can always find something to be concerned about] On the other hand, I'm a little concerned that I've cut off my grieving period a little too soon. I'm in a good mood, but it feels artificial. Like I wasn't done grieving, but the medication adjustment changed my mind chemically, without me actually getting over this event. After the appointment I was also given a card and told to call, any time of the day or night, if I needed anything or had suicidal thoughts. In this whole time I haven't had a suicidal/homicidal/damage inflicting thought, but they are concerned. I wonder if I should be, too?

Once Again, all over the place

2011-11-22T13:03:00.001-06:00

I had a followup appointment with the ob/gyn this morning. I've been fine, haven't cried in a coupe of days. Then I had to sit in that little room, with an ultrasound going in the next room, and even I could hear the heartbeat, and I almost lost it all over again. The Dr is very good ob/gyn. Well, at least as far as I know her now. Anyway, she was very kind, and sorry I had to come into the office, she knew it was hard, blah blah blah. End of story: yearly in February, wait 2 period cycles before trying again, let her know if any problems arise.

Then, because I was in the building and I'm lazy like that, I went to Employee Health, and asked to get an MMR vaccine. I had no titer, but I was pregnant so they wouldn't give it to me while I was pregnant. The nurse asked me how old the baby was, and I told her, and she said it had happened to her, that God would give me lots of pretty babies.

Then she showed me this shot! I had a minor meltdown, it was 1ml of clear liquid, which means the adjuvant wasn't as painful, but it was a big shot! I was so afraid it would hurt I started to tear up. She told me to take a breath, and she jabbed me. It didn't hurt that much, and then I felt sort of stupid that I cried a little. I apologized several times. Stupid hormones.

Good thing I got an appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow.

All over the place

2011-11-21T10:00:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been better. Physically I wasn't doing great thursday and friday, but today is better, physically and mentally. MSJ had a funeral saturday. I was going to attend, as the Pastor's Wife, but we discussed it and thought it might not be a good idea for me to go to a funeral in my current fragile emotional state.

I had a really cool dream saturday morning. Don't really remember what it was about, just that it was cool. So when it was over I went ahead and got out of bed. MSJ had make eggs and bacon, and I added a small soy sausage patty. Plus, I had 2! count that 1,2!! cups of coffee. it tasted really good!

I listened to NPR's Wait Wait don't tell me. I watched Seinfeld. I did a little laundry. I napped. I tried curing a cast iron skillet that we inherited. I used Vegetable oil, not vegetable shortening. I'm going to have to try again, this time with shortening.

I really need to start exercising. I have an appointment on tuesday and I'll check then. I need to get rid of this 10lbs of weight I gained, plus the additional 20 I was carrying before I got pregnant. Daunting task, but I definitely need to try.

I have had some wicked mood swings lately, going from giddy/cheerful to don't talk to/touch me. And this is on my current meds. I can't imagine how bad it would be without the meds. I found out that my Psychiatrist is covered on my current health plan, so YIPPEE! I don't have to get a new doctor! And, he can see me before Thanksgiving! yay! crappy that I need it, but glad I can get it. Speaking of new health plan, United Health Care SUCKS BALLS!!! I know I'm used to state insurance, but this is so much worse. I live an hour from work, more than that if traffic is slow. But if I don't used this hospital, I have to pay 20% of everything, plus a $1500 deductible. To get the D&C done down where my Ob/gyn was, it would have cost us $1250 walk up cost, not including whatever the 20% of the procedure would be. So we pretty much had to come up here to do the procedure. Which meant MSJ had to drive home. He hates driving in Large City traffic. It's a testament of his love for me that he did it without complaint. Of course, I slept most of the way home, so it's possible I just didn't hear it.

A little dark, but 10 days post procedure (I can't decide if this will be helpful, or just morbid).

sad rambling

2011-11-16T09:28:00.001-06:00

So, last night was a bad night. I had to tell my Aunt Marsha about the baby. She was the last one, and I was dreading the call. I did ok on the call, but after that I fell apart. Now, the kitchen was dirty, my husband made a big batch of Green Lemon-Egg soup (better than it sounds), and made many dirty pots and pans, and since he's totally a man, they were still sitting the stove 3 days later. This annoyed the heck out of me. So, I loaded as many as I could into the dishwasher, then had to hand wash the rest. This annoyed me even more. I have destroyed several things in the garbage disposal, so I usually keep a strainer-thing over it to keep unwanted items from dropping into. MSJ laughs at me, so last night I decided not to use it. Then I destroyed an important piece to our garlic grinder. Which totally ticked me off. TOTALLY ticked me off. So I yelled, a bit irrationally, and a bit unfairly, at MSJ, that it was his fault since he made fun of me for using the strainer in the first place. Then I burst into tears. He stood looking at me with complete confusion on his poor face. He asked if I was mad at him, or something he did. I assured him it wasn't his fault, it was just hitting me hard again. So I went to take a shower, and it was a total cliche, standing crying in the shower. My sweet kind gently husband got into the shower with me and held me tight and told me he loved me. I finally stopped crying, we went out and watched some funny tv shows (we had to pass several depressing/violent/graphic shows along the way) and then went to bed. I had bad dreams all night. The best, and last one, was that I was trying to take the SAT's and the questions were really obscure and random questions, and I didn't know any of the answers, and everyone around me was turning in their papers really early, and I was running out of time, and then i woke up. I don't know if there is any meaning in that or not. All in all, not a great night. But, as I read going out the door this morning, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it-Psalms 118:24." I'm not sure about the rejoicing, but I'll at least try not to be disagreeable and bitter.

Walking contradictions...

2011-11-15T11:26:00.001-06:00

So, I'm a little better today. A previous co-worker of mine is pregnant, 1 week ahead of me. Last night we had a girls night out, pedicures and dinner, and I had a beer...because I could (it actually didn't taste that great, but by God I had ordered it and I WAS going to drink it), and she was there. I initially wasn't sure how I would handle it, but I did ok. I asked them to please not ask questions, that I would talk about it over time, but that right now it's still a pretty open wound and I didn't want to cry last night. Except for 1 question they honored it, so it was ok, and I have pretty toes again.

My new job is going well. Yesterday I helped my lab-mate, Jean, do an animal procedure. It was interesting. She did a tail vein injection, which I've never done, and since this was an important experiment I didn't try it, but I'll have to try that when I get my access to the animal room. It didn't seem hard, just sort of tricky. Plus, one more thing to add to my CV. Thursday I have a meeting with my other boss at the other institution. My job is to sort of bring the 2 labs together at the Large Hospital (LH) where work. It should be an interesting meeting, I'm a little apprehensive about the meeting, but I'm looking forward to it, too. I'm just a walking mass of contradictions lately.

It's also funny, at the last lab the temperature was regularly 71 to F-72.5 degrees and most of the time I was fine. I didn't even wear a jacket half the time. But here, it's 72.3 degrees, and it feels like it's in the 60's. I have my long-sleeved button front on, and I'm STILL chilly. I know, I know, but there's a reason I live where I do. I like hot weather, I'm still comfortable at 90 degrees.

On a sad note again (walking contradiction), I couldn't let the baby pass without something tangible to remember it, so I decided, and MSJ didn't mind, that even though it was too small to tell, that it was girl, and we've (mostly me) have decided to call her Hope. So, even though I didn't get to carry her for very long, she's still my Hope.

Let the tears begin anew...

OH!

2011-11-12T11:34:00.001-06:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we celebrated our 1 year anniversary on the 6th. We went out to a nice seafood restaurant after church, then we watched a football game, then he helped me clean the house a little. I know it doesn't sound like much, but we both felt like it was a nice day.

Holy crap, ya'll

2011-11-12T10:38:00.001-06:00

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Holy crap, ya'll. This has been the most chaotic month.

From the highest high, I'm Pregnant! Yippee!!! It only took us 3 months, we were very excited. This past week, I miscarried. I'm devastated. I know I'm not the only one, but there is little comfort in that when it happens to you. I had to have a D&C yesterday. I'm ok, as long as I'm not talking about it all. Thursday night my Pastor from my last church came over for a visit. I was ok until he started praying, and I started crying. Apparently it was deep and sincere, because I made Pastor T tear up, too. Yesterday as they were wheeling me into the operating room, before they started anesthesia, I started to cry (of course), and, I had my 2 nurses crying, too. Then, in recovery, I was next to a woman who had a C-section and they were discussing names, boy names. It was killing me, and the recovery nurse just kept saying 'It's ok, stop crying'. Because THAT was helpful. I've had some cramping, and a little bleeding, but physically I'm ok. Emotionally, it will take awhile. They said we can start trying again 2 or 3 months, and we don't want to wait too long. I guess I'll know then if I'm ready.

My new job is good. I've been at my job 1 week, and I had a miscarriage. Yep, 1 week. My direct boss, Kevin, is being so generous with my taking time off. In some jobs, it takes awhile to get started, online training, security clearance, hand's on training, etc. That means that I'm not doing much right now. So if it had to happen, right now is the time. Kevin just told me to take the time I need to get better. So I got to take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, no problem.

A little humor, they also told us that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after the procedure. When we asked, MSJ made sure to tell the the Dr that it wasn't just him, that I wanted to know, too. It made the ob/gyn laugh a little.

Also, the new job, the first day, Monday, was a whole day of orientation. So Tuesday was my first day. I got lost. HA! I went to the building I was supposed to go to, but no one had heard of my department, or my PI. I struggled with that for 30 min to an hour. Finally I called my HR person, and almost in tears, and told him what was going on. He told me to hold on, and he'd have someone call me. A lady called me back, and I had to go to a different building! She escorted me onto the right floor and into the lab. It was called the Diabetes Institute. Now, that WAS NOT the building that was listed on my paperwork. Turns out, the lab was moving to the new building on Friday. Yes, in 3 days the lab was moving. So I sort of sat out of the way on Tuesday, on wednesday I sat out of the lab in the new building, staying out of the way. Late wednesday, I got into the lab, found my desk and bench, pulled out my laptop and started online training. On Thursday I had completed enough training to get my badge access, so I could quit waiting outside the door for someone to let me in. Friday, I got a new computer...this is a sad little Dell computer. It has got to be a baseline model. With a tiny little monitor! My computer at the last lab was MUCH better than this one!!

My last working day at the old lab, Dr. C was, I think, trying to be funny, said, "We all hope that SMB goes to heaven, because if she goes to hell she'll be tormented by all the mice she killed in the last 6 years! But then again, we did get that antibiotic pushed through the CDC, so you might be ok." WTHeck?!?!? What does that even mean? And he's not Christian, so am I condemned Muslim or Hindi hell, or Christian hell?

In an effort to lighten the mood a little, I keep saying things like, well, at least now I can coffee in the morning, AND tea for lunch, I can have a beer now, I can take my allergy pills again, etc. It helps a little, but only very little.

In the mean time, I'm holding myself together. MSJ has been a rock, my anchor in this storm. I look at some of the guys I dated, and I can't imagine them taking care of me this well. God did indeed bless me with a great husband.

2011-10-06T16:45:00.001-05:00

I'm not gone, just busy!

My new job starts October 31, my current one ends October 21, I'm taking a week off before the new job.

Very excited, and a little nervous about starting the new job. Hope it goes well. It will at least be a different group of people who annoy me, and who I can annoy.

Should I stay or should i go??

2011-09-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

Exciting Day!

Yesterday I was offered the position at the Large City Medical Center. It's for a pretty large hospital system. I asked for information about the benefits, and oh my gosh! I didn't realize I had it as good as I do.

The new job you have to pay your own health insurance premium. Seriously? You're a HOSPITAL! Second, they only give 1 day for Christmas. at my current job I get the WEEK between Christmas and New Year's off, in addition to 7 other holidays during the year. New job only gets 8! That's it! Current job offers Sick leave (8 hours/month) and Vacation (currently I'm at 11h/mo) separately. New job, only 10 hours of PTO/month. WHAT? I'm losing 8h/mo in sick time! And parking, let's not talk about parking!

So, it seems like my significant raise will disappear in the face of expensive new benefits. Now I'm torn. Is it worth the loss of benefits, plus the cost of commuting? How badly do I not want to do my job? What if I'm jumping out of the pan and into the fire??

Quick, someone! Tell me what to do!!

It's the little things, ya'll

2011-09-12T11:33:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I bought new windshield wipers. This morning I took off the old and busted ones and put on fresh new hotness ones. Then I got into my car and promptly washed my dirty streak window.

YAY for new windshield wipers!!

A New Oppurtunity

2011-09-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

Recently something big has been looming in my mind. It took me awhile to figure out what it was, but when it did it was like stadium lights in my head.

MSJ and I went to Minnesota to have a vacation with some of his friends from seminary. It was only a week, but it was so much fun! The highest temp one afternoon was something like 84, the lows were down in the 60's, we slept with the windows open and a blanket on the bed. The cabins didn't even HAVE air conditioning!

In the past, when I was on vacation, I enjoyed it, but I was usually not dreading going back to work. Not even with my previous PI. This time, though, the idea that I had to go back to work filled me with dread whenever I thought of it.

Big Conclusion: I don't like my job anymore!

This totally blew me away. I've never really had a job I dreaded going to. But lately, I have come to abhor some major parts of my job. One of the key things to our job is bleeding mice so we can test for antibodies and bacterial loads and all sorts of things. I don't want to do that anymore. It's starting to hurt me, especially when we have to do it several times on a single animal. Another thing I don't want to do anymore is give animals terrible diseases and watch them die slowly. I know we do good work, we have helped push an antibiotic through the CDC so that other countries, countries with yearly outbreaks of our agent, have another tool to fight this infection.

So, I decided to start putting out feelers, see what was out there. Now, I'm not going to do something stupid like quit my job in this economy where NIH approved grants are being cut and grant applications are being rejected at heretofore unseen rates. But I wanted to see if there was anything else I might be interested in.

So I looked for a couple of weeks, nothing really interesting came up (There was a job listing for an Autopsy Assistant...blech!). I found a position, it sounded like it might be ok so I submitted my CV for the position. A lady called me, the position I applied for was for post-doc but they liked my resume, would I Like to come in for an interview? This was for an animal work lab up in the Medical Center which, on a good day, is 30-40 minutes into Large City. On a bad day, with really bad traffic, it could be up to an hour and a half. I am not interested, thank you.

Now, I haven't been to an interview in 6 years, so I figured that an interview to a job I had no intention of taking seemed like a good place to freshen up my interview skills.

OhMyGosh, ya'll, this is a COOL job!!! There is a hospital system that is setting up a research facility. There will eventually be something like 100,000 animal cages. That's HUGE! And they need people to start up these research labs. This is such a rare oppurtunity. To get into a facility at the bottom like this, you never find these jobs, you hear about them but only from people who have been in facilities a long time. They liked me, it was a good interview, and I was informally told that they thought i would be a good fit and they asked what my salary range would be, and we parted ways.

I didn't hear anything, so I of course thought the worst. But I called them last week and they said that yes, they were planning on offering me the job, but they had to CREATE the job for me to fill, and the red tape would take awhile.

But YAY!! fun new job! Hopefully not a very long learning curve. New people! Boo, I will have a 2 hour commute, 1h in 1h out. I think it's still YAY!, though.

(sigh) Can you disown your brother's family?

2011-08-30T14:26:00.003-05:00

So (I love LOVE starting blogs with So)

So, Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing away. MSJ and I went up to see dad. What I thought was happening was that we would go up, meet my Bro and SIL and niece and dad and all go have lunch together and then go to the cemetery. What actually happened was that MSJ and I rushed home from church, changed, let the puppy out for a few minutes, hurried up to dad's, then we and dad went out for a late lunch, where dad didn't eat b/c he ate earlier. THEN we met up with Bro and SIL at the cemetery. yeah, nothing like standing around outside in 100+ heat making small talk. No tension there at all.

I guess I should back up a little.

After mom passed away my Bro and SIL went off the deep end. (while it seemed to come on) Suddenly (but in fact it had been brewing for several years) my Bro and SIL took the stance that, well, here's an excerpt from the last email my Bro sent me:

Let us not be naive in believing that we had perfect parents. I never thought it was funny when you and mom joked about grandma chasing mom/dad all the way to texas. I believed it to be a sad statement about the family...dad never thought it was funny either. Only after my divorce did I start to notice that there was a pattern of complaints about myself in my personal relationships....WE ARE WHAT WE SEE AND ARE TAUGHT. I cannot count the number of times I heard dad say to you or to mom "head up her ass" and it was always regarding you. Wether[sic] it be nature or nurture you and mom have much of what grandma had....grandma did gossip. I'm sure she had other negative things, but I cannot remember them all. Do you not remember grandpa telling grandma "enough Ginny" when she would start it up?...i do. Mom was a little manipulative....a skill I enjoyed using when I was young and to which benefited society when I was a young police officer...you have been manipulative also. If you do not realize it, then we do need to meet so you can learn about yourself. Manipulation is a fine skill if used in the correct situations. Tell me do you see any negative things about me that I learned from dad?....I do. The only way to better ourselves is to listen to the critisizims[sic] of each other WITHOUT getting emotional. I've had much time in the last 17 years to think about things personal/professional/familial(is this a word...is should be) since the night shift allows oneself some time to do nothing but think and contemplate......hence the suggested meeting.

And, apparently, this is nothing compared to what my SIL feels.

It's been a tough year for my brother's family and me. I've had about 10 hours of actual contact with my niece since mom's funeral. That's it. The (perceived or actual) injustices and wrongs go back to before my Niece was born, to even before she was conceived. After several email exchanges of increasing acrimony, I finally sent an email back to Bro that I didn't want to fight anymore. I certainly didn't agree with most of what he said, but I was tired of fighting, let's just start over, let bygones be bygones and start again.

Then in July I got an invitation to my Niece's birthday party. I was surprised, and thrilled. Yay, I thought, A fresh Start! SIL even hugged me and told me she was glad I had been able to come. But alas, on Sunday my SIL didn't speak a word to me, didn't look at me, didn't look at MSJ, and when we were leaving Bro came over and hugged me, and I hugged Niece, and I said that it had been nice seeing Monika again, I got NO response from her. NONE.

Well, at least we don't have to worry about who to make Godparents for any children we might have.

eh, screw it

2011-08-29T10:57:00.003-05:00

I like this blog page, so I'm keeping it.

And, I have some funny things to post.

First of all, when you have an important meeting, and said meeting is 45 minutes away in the summer, and you stop at Sonic to get a drink, make sure that the drink is not fluorescent blue, because then your tongue and teeth will also turn blue, and you will spend several minutes in the bathroom using paper towels to try to get some of the blue off of your teeth and lips.

Second, when you have an important meeting and it is in a place you've never been before, double check the map compared to where you are parking, otherwise you will walk the wrong direction for 5 minutes in 100+ heat, then realize what you did, and have to walk BACK 5 minutes in 100+ heat, plus another 3 minute the other direction. You will be hot and sweaty and will need to spend an additional minute or two using paper towels to try to control the sweat pouring out of your body.

On a side note, I may be making a job change. They have contacted my references, and they seemed really interested, and the job looks pretty cool, so I hope to hear from them this week. I'm really excited about the possiblity of this new job.

Hate to have to do this...

2011-05-16T17:14:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I've been thinking about this for some time now, and I'm moving my blog. It's lost some, ok a lot, of it's anonymity, and I would like it back.

Either email me or comment and I'll send you the link to the new blog. IRL Friends, please understand that, as an anonymous blog, I need to say things without letting everyone in my world know what I'm saying, so I will be restricting who reads it. Please don't stop being my friend!

~Scientific Lutheran, AKA SMurF

...oops!

2011-05-16T14:32:00.005-05:00

Holy Crap! I didn't know it had been this long! Bad Blogger (slaps hand)

Well, in the past few months I've lost a brother/SIL/niece, gained a little more insight into my father, a close friendship is on the edge, I went to my first opera, almost paid off a wedding, and celebrated my 6 month Wedding anniversary.

I've been busy.

Let's start with the list.

Since the new year, my SIL dove off the cliffs of sanity and took my brother and niece with her. My Bro and I are trying to patch things up, but it's not going well. He wants us to get to together to discuss all that's wrong with each other (I get the feeling it will be mostly him telling me all the things wrong with me, not the other way around) and how I've been a bad aunt, sister and SIL for the past 7 years. yeah. I'm looking forward to that one. NOT.

My relationship with Dad is better than it has been in years. He's still terribly lonely, and I do what I can, but in the meantime Dad and I are having actual conversations about life and religion and good stuff like that.

I told a close friend of mine that she's mean sometimes, which she is, but I said it at a bad time in a bad way and I'm not sure how to go about fixing the friendship. Because it's true. she can be mean. I can't say I'm sorry for what I said, but I am for how I said it. I told Matt last night this is the first time I've come to the end of what I'm willing to do for a friendship while I was still friends with the person.

Boy, that's a heck of a return blog.

I'll try for something lighter in a day or 2.

It's Tuesday. Hello Tuesday!

2011-01-18T14:47:00.003-06:00

This morning my husband made oatmeal. Real old-fashioned oatmeal, like the kind that takes 10 minutes on the stove. He put in some blackberries that didn't have much flavor by themselves. The oatmeal was a rather unappetizing shade of purple/blue. I wasn't very sure about it, I was quite afraid that it would make me gag, but he made it and was proud of it, so I ate my half. I also added some Splenda and a few chocolate chips, and it turned out really good. Like a Chocolate Cherry Oatmeal. Which, now that I read it doesn't sound that good, but it tasted fabulous!

Also, I went to a weight loss clinic this morning. I know, this is a controversial thing. 2 of my bestest friends are quite against me taking any drug to lose weight. the one prescribed for me is Tenuate. I've read the info, and while there are definite warnings about extended use and dependency, I don't really want to take it for very long, and it seems like it would be a good way to sort of kick-start me. I just don't have any motivation to go to the gym or exercise or walk or do much of anything. I don't think it's depression, I usually have different symptoms for depression and I'm not exhibiting any of them.

Anyway, I'm going to try it for a few days. just 1/2 a pill, and I'm going to start it once every other day. I'm hoping the excess energy will get my butt into the gym, or at least onto the walking track near the house!

Christmas story

2011-01-15T17:30:00.004-06:00

So, funny Christmas story.

We ended up flying to Kansas City, we got a great deal on last-minute flights.

We got to his mom's house around 8pm. The family was all there, and we sat chatting, I was sitting on the floor with my legs out in front of me. Matt got tired and laid down on the floor, and since we were sitting on the floor, he laid his head on my thigh. No problem, we do that. I absently-mindedly started messing with his hair. I caught myself, and then I looked up. Everyone in the room was watching me mess with Matt's hair, and the expressions ranged from dumb-founded to a little horrified. My hand stopped moving and I slowly lowered it back to the floor. Everyone's expression turned to greatly relieved, and the conversation flowed on.

It seriously embarrassed me at the time, but now it's funny.

Ah, in-laws. I'm sure we have many years of story's in front of us!

A new Year!

2011-01-11T14:30:00.007-06:00

Wow

I didn't realize how long I had been gone.

There has been so much that has happened since my last post. I think the reason it's been so long is that there is so much I want to say, and it will just take too long. So, I'm going to pick back up in an attempt at a daily post, and try to back-fill as much as possible.

Let's start with: Yesterday Matt took a sick day, and rather than sit all day and get nothing done he did laundry and ran the dishwasher! I know, I know. I'm a lucky woman!

I forgot my badge yesterday morning, so I had to go all the way home and find my rain coat and get the badge out of it and then come back down here. It was exciting. And pretty annoying, actually.

I really didn't want to come back to work after the Christmas break. I need a nice relaxing vacation. Now WAIT! I hear you cry. Didn't you just go on a Honeymoon, and a Christmas Vacation to see your Husband's family? And I answer (with 1 finger in the air) True! But A) while the honeymoon was a blast, and we had a lot of fun, it wasn't a relaxing vacation. We were trying to live together, 24 hours a day for 7 days, in about 300 sqft of space. And both of us a little anxious about being newly married, and trying to do things to make the other happy, and while it was fun, it was not relaxing. And B) going to see his family was NOT a vacation. It was nice, we had a nice time, I got along ok with his mom and sister and brother and their respective families, but it was NOT a relaxing vacation. So, when Jan 3rd hit, and I had to be back at work, I was not pleased to be back. Not pleased enough to consider, maybe it's time for a new job. Not new, like a new career, but a new research field. One without animals. Or, at least one without animals that I have to bleed. I'll work on the blood, I just don't want to be the one to draw it.

There have also been somethings that I've apparently been holding on to, and I've recently come to the revelation that it is my problem. As in: I'm getting frustrated about things around me, but I'm the one that is having the problem, no one else, so I'm the one who needs to change, I'm the one who needs to either get over it, or get a new job. And, since I figured that out, I've been a little more peaceful about it. I've been in a better mood than I have been in awhile, and it has come through a little self-analysis. I don't like all of the things I've figured out, but at least I have some answers, and that makes it ok.

I guess I'll stop for now.

Here's a honeymoon picture

and 1 from Christmas

Thanksgiving, a week late

2010-12-02T11:39:00.004-06:00

Wow, I'm late, but here's a Thanksgiving update anyway.

We, as in my family before I got married, have often gone to a family friend's (Dorothy and Elroy's, aka D&E's House) house for different celebrations, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, that sort of thing. D&E are my grandparents age, their children are my parents age, and their grandkids are my age. We've sort of grown up knowing each other.

This year we were invited to go to D&E's house for Thanksgiving. Since my Bro and SIL are still being sort of butts, when Dad offered this I thought it was a GREAT idea! That way, it wasn't just the 5 of us, sitting and looking at each other, SIL not speaking to me, looking at mom's empty seat, with way too much food. So, Husband and I went home wednesday night, we went to the Thanksgiving Eve service at Dad's church, where I sat at a table with Husband, dad, Bro and niece, and my SIL sat at another table across the room. Yeah, not awkward at all.

We took the leftover green fluff and a bottle of champagne leftover from the wedding. SIL did smile at me and say, "Happy Thanksgiving, Sheri", but that was it, and she didn't say anything else until it was time to leave, when I cornered Bro and SIL and asked for Christmas ideas for my niece. They hemmed and hawed, and I never really got an answer.

It was a nice afternoon, Dad helped fry 2 turkeys and a chicken (?? I know, and a random chicken!), and the rest of the meal was fabulous! There was a pumpkin trifle for dessert, it as awesome, too!

All in all, it was a friendly, easy nice thanksgiving, and I'm truly thankful for that.

More wedding

2010-11-24T10:03:00.003-06:00

As this is my blog and I write it, for now, Yes, it is all about me!

2 more wedding stories. I write these, keeping the following statement in mind: We had a great wedding. It went smoothly, the service was beautiful, the reception was fun, people danced and the cakes were beautiful and tasted great, the bbq was good, too. As far as weddings go, it was a good one.

But.

1. Thank Heaven that Husband's SIL was there. There wasn't anyone to go get a mani/pedi with me on friday. It turned out that his SIL had intended to go get one before they flew down, but just didn't have time, so she was thrilled to get the chance to have it done before the wedding. But I must admit, if I had had to go by myself, I'd have been a little sad. Ok, well, probably not a little. I'd have been a LOT sad, and I probably would have cried. And I understand that one bridesmaid was sick, and another was working, and the third was flying in, but since Mom wasn't there to go with me, it would have very hard to do it alone.

2. No one decorated our car. Now, I didn't want it so decorated that it was undrivable, but no one wrote on the windows, or tied streamers, or anything. Even Husband was a little disappointed. Now, IRL friends, that DOES NOT mean that you should go decorate a car, because now it would just be an annoyance, and a kind of condescending one at that. But still.

Husband and I are going to go to Dad's for the night and then we'll go to Thanksgiving at the friend's house and leave from there on Thursday. Dad's church as a service on Thanksgiving Eve, and Dad said that Bro and SIL would probably be at church. I said, jokingly, that he shouldn't tell them that we're coming, and he said, not jokingly, No, he wouldn't do that.

The thing is, I really don't know why! I can see maybe the comment before the wedding, but now? I don't have a clue. And it makes me sad, and makes me cry. My niece isn't old enough to understand, she just knows Aunt SMurF hasn't been to her house to play with her in a long time.

(crap, SMurF doesn't work anymore. Now it's SMB. I don't know what to do!)

I don't know what to think. I don't think there's anything I can do. Family is supposed to be the place where you can go when life gets rough. I know that's not true for many people, but it's largely been true in our family, and it literally hurts me that there is the huge rift I'm glad that mom isn't here to see it, because it would have stressed her out terribly. Thank God for Husband. I don't know what I'd do if I had to handle this on my own.

Really???

2010-11-23T09:15:00.000-06:00

We live on the coast. Less than 30miles from salt water. There are quite a lot of small independent local restaurants, even off the island, that serve fresh-from-the-gulf seafood. So why, oh why, would someone go to Red Lobster?? It boggles the mind!!

Holy Cow!

2010-11-22T15:32:00.004-06:00

There's been a lot happening!

1st: The wedding was great! The weather was Gorgeous! The dress looked good and I managed to eat bbq and not get anything on my dress, the cakes were awesome, the champagne tasted good, we danced well together, and we left on a high note. It was a very nice time. The service was really pretty, too. My niece did walk down the aisle with dad and I, she was a little nervous but did great. I did (or didn't?) do something, and my Bro and SIL stayed approximately 10 minutes into the reception. I doubted that they stayed at all, but I have a picture that they were there. The wedding party walked in to the Star Wars anthem, it was great. Everyone laughed, and that was the point, so it was good. At this point, I can honestly say that I am glad that I had a wedding. That's partly because we left AT 3pm. Before we got tired and cranky and things began to annoy us.

2nd: The honeymoon was fun, we went on a cruise to Key West Florida, Freeport Bahamas, and Nassau Bahamas. We went Kayaking in Key West, Snorkeling in Freeport and shopping in Nassau. I had never been snorkeling, and the short 5 minutes of instruction that they gave didn't give me much confidence in my ability to snorkle, but I tried and it wasn't as hard as it looked. We saw a BIG Manta Ray about 10 feet below us, probably 4-5ft wing span. Husband swore that he could hear the parrot fish nibbling on the coral, but I think he was wishful hearing. In Nassau I didn't buy much, there wasn't anything that I really couldn't live without. I did do some gambling, the slots didn't pay off this time and I lost all of my money fast. I entered a Slot Machine Tournament and got 3rd place, I wasn't too far from 1st, but close doesn't count in slots. I did get motion sick on friday. It made for a crappy friday night, but when we woke up saturday morning it was better, and I felt better, so saturday was an OK day after all. I still find myself swaying occasionally.

3rd: Before we left, his dog, Cleo, was sick. She'd been sick for awhile, an ear infection, and then it looked like it was the nerve around her ear canal that was inflamed (this apparently is common in Boxers). She was on steriods and antibiotics when we left for the honeymoon. His secretary took care of Cleo while we were gone, and over that week, cleo got worse. Monday Husband took Cleo to the vet, where she told him that it was probably a tumor behind Cleo's ear in her head that was causing the inflamed ear, and it was making eating and drinking hard, too. So Tuesday we had to put Cleo to sleep. It was time, her head was hanging low and she wasn't wagging her tail, she looked like she was very sick, which she was. It was so hard. We buried her on the church grounds, he had her up at the church all of the time, she was very much a church dog. Plus, that way he didn't have to worry about someone redoing his yard later and accidently digging her up. It was pretty crappy, we waited to let the cats into the main part of the house until Cleo was gone, it felt like I was trying to replace the dog with the cats. [And, btw, Howler likes Husband better than me!]

4th: So, for our honeymoon we spent 24 hours a day together for 7 days, and we didn't have a fight! Go us! So far, we've been married 2 weeks, and we haven't had a fight yet. Go us! Only 30+ years to go! However, I'm not totally moved in yet, and it's making me a little bonkers, so we might not be all that far from our first serious argument. My bathroom, kitchen and most of my clothes have been moved. I still have all of the paper and stuff in my china hutch, and all of the stuff in my 'office'. Most of what's left I need to go through and decide what I want to keep and what I want to toss. Husband can't really help me with that. I guess.

We're doing Thanksgiving at a family friend's house. If all of their family shows up there will be close to 35 people there. That's good, when Bro and SIL decided to be asses, they can leave and it won't have to be a scene. Whereas, if it was at Dad's, there would only be the 6 of us, and when Bro and SIL decided to leave, it would turn into something ugly. Plus, dad doesn't have to worry about cooking all of that on his own. He doesn't work well with anyone else in the kitchen.

I have some other wedding stories, I'll try post them as I go.

4 DAYS!

2010-11-02T20:42:00.003-05:00

Hey mom,

I've been so busy! I'm trying to fit exercising in, but it's hard. I wish my pilates instructor was still on Maternity leave, it made her much more accessible to me! She has a beautiful 6-week old girl but a different name. No one will ever spell it right, but it's pretty.

I went home last saturday and got some pictures, they want to do a photo collage of pictures of Matt and I. I didn't have time, so I ran home right quick, got the pictures and came back. It was so hard on dad. I finally made him go downstairs. Some days it seems like he's holding on pretty well, but some days he can't seem to get 2 or 3 sentences without crying. I worry about him. I'm not sure what I can do to help. I don't think there really is. It's just something to get through. It's brutal, but life often is.

Matt's mom wants me to put a red rose in the pew for you, in remembrance. It's a nice idea, but there's no way dad could handle that, I'm not sure how well he'll hold together as it is, if he has to sit next to a rose I think he might just pull a blackout. Besides, it feels a little cheesy and sentimental, and you usually weren't cheesy. She also suggested that we put a wreath in the foyer, one for you and one for the grandmothers. I very nicely and politely told her no. Again, cheesy. And no one would know, I'd have to explain it, it just seemed like something I wouldn't want to do. So, I very nicely told her no. She took it ok. We seem to be starting out ok.

There are only 3 planning and working days left, wed thur and fri. It still doesn't seem real. I don't think it will until I'm standing in the back of the church waiting to go in. It feels like I'm doing this for someone else, it still seems unreal that it's me.

My bridesmaids won't really be available on friday, so right now I don't have anyone to go get a mani/pedi with. I'm torn between disappointed to not have someone to share with and excited to have the time alone. I guess time will tell, and I'm sure it will be fine either way.

That's my mantra: It will be fine. Did we get enough pictures? It will be fine, what we have will be enough. Set up the tables! It will be fine, we'll get it done. Did we run out of ribbon??? It will be fine, I can go get more if I need to. Damn, I want a wedding planner!

I heard through Facebook that one of my oldest friends is sick. I thought, "OH NO! Who's going to kick my butt out of the room?"

Right now we're anticipating 220 people. That's about 20 more than we had originally anticipated. We'll have cake, but i'm not sure if we'll have enough for everyone to have a piece of each. Matt made an announcement that if people wanted to make sure they got a piece of cake they needed to call and RSVP, please!

That's what I'll be doing on Thursday, buying stuff, cups for tea AND coffee, flatware, plates, napkins, I need to buy bubbles yet and wedding confetti.

OH!, and the weather has decided to cooperate, it will be a clear cool day in the 60's. Perfect Chamber of Commerce weather. I figure that's you and the grandma's up there. Keep it up! Try to keep the tropical storm from tearing up the Bahamas before we get there, please.

I miss you. I'm holding up pretty well. Once or twice it's gotten to me, but mostly I'm good. I try not to focus on what we've lost, I try to remember all of the family and friends that we still have. So many friends are coming south for the wedding, it will make me cry undoubtedly. I had to have a lesson in how to cry so that I don't smear my mascara across my face like a raccoon mask. Apparently it was good that no one was taking pictures during the funeral, my makeup had smeared rreeaallyy bad.

Ok, I've got to go. I need to pack, still. I'm trying to pack what I'll need for the wedding, what I'll need for the wedding night, and what I'll need for the cruise.

4 days!

~SMurF

One More Step

2010-10-26T19:42:00.003-05:00

We got our marriage license today. It cost us $11.

only 11 days left now. I'm not panic-ing yet. yet.

Saturday is my bachelorette party. We're going out here on the island.

Out Of Town Friends: If you weren't on the evite, it was because you're Out of Town, and you probably wouldn't want to come down 2 weekends in a row. If I'm wrong, and you want to come, let me know and I'll forward information.

I'm going to be a Zombie Bride. I'll post some pictures. If I'm not too hung over. Hopefully.

Trivia Friday...on Saturday... oops!

2010-10-23T23:37:00.003-05:00

Which is where this week's trivia comes in: these questions (which are, once again, not trivia questions, but more of an informal survey) are all about stuff that I have done, would do, or would like to do around Halloween and Halloween parties. Standard trivia rules apply. One point per question, 30 points total. How may of my answers do you think you can match?

Three not-especially-scary Halloween-ish movies: Garfield Halloween, Charlie Brown Halloween, and Simpson's TreeHouse of Terror, I-XXI

Three scary / horror / Halloween movies: Friday the 13th, the original Scream, Texas Chain Saw Massacre

Three songs that you might hear on the radio around Halloween: Monster Mash...are there other halloween songs?

Three things that you might do at a Halloween party besides eat candy and watch movies: bob for apples, carve pumpkin, and water balloon toss (we were in the South, it was still warm!)

Three kinds of candy that come "fun-sized" at Halloween: snickers, baby ruth, Mounds

Three kinds of candy that you would always give away when you got it in your treat bag: malted balls, licorice, oranges

Three Halloween costumes that you have worn in the last 15 years: Elmo (not a sexy one), little black cat (sexy), Always-a-Brides-Maid-Never-A-Bride
Three writers known for scary stories: Stephen King, Micheal Chriton?, Clive Barker

Three actors or actresses that you associate with horror or monster movies:

Three decorations besides pumpkins that you see around Halloween:Ghosts, skeletons, I just saw a Mickey Mouse with a Trick-or-Treat bag, does that count?

Oh My GOsh!! 25 out of 30!! I never get that many!

I think I like this

2010-10-20T15:06:00.004-05:00

Hey Mom,

I forgot to tell you, we're having the Church Bridal Shower on Sunday, both churches were invited. This past Sunday we were invited to a member's house for a Domino's night. Well, it turned into a mini-surprise-shower. We got lots of nice bakeware, a huge really nice skillet, a neat appetizer bowl, and all of the food that was in them. If the shower is anything like that, we'll have more stuff than we can use in 5 years! But, I'm looking forward to the cake and punch and friends at the shower.

A Lady in Matt's church is so excited that she's going to write up an article and send it in with lots of pictures for the Lutheran Witness. Something about a Pastor Get's Married, or some such sentimental goofy thing. I internally rolled my eyes, but told her if she wanted to she could. So then she decided that the local paper should do a piece, too. Matt brought the idea to me, and I said I didn't think so, but he had to ask so he wouldn't have to lie to her. She had already called the newspaper. So when Matt said no, we'd pass, the reporter asked if he could do the piece from a different perspective, that we're doing this marriage thing the 'Right Way', as in not moving in together, friends first then dating, inexpensive wedding, that sort of thing. I agreed tentatively. I'd like to talk to the reporter before I agree to anything. I also asked Matt if it was absolutely necessary that they use my name. He laughed and said yes.

Today is Dad's Birthday. I called him this morning, Bro and SIL are taking him out to dinner. That should be a blast for him. I tried to get him to meet Matt and I down in this area tomorrow evening, but he didn't want to.

Tonight is my cake tasting. Yippee, I love cake!

Lots of Love
~SMurF

I like this format. I'm getting stuff out of my head and onto the screen and that's making me a bit more sane. Which, I totally need right now. It's all stuff I would have told mom, and since I can't directly tell her, this is a decent alternative. Not great, but better than any of my ideas so far.

Let me know if you like it.

Something new

2010-10-19T20:00:00.003-05:00

Dear Mom,

I tried on my wedding dress tonight, hopefully for the last time before the wedding. The little cap sleeves were too tight, and since Matt is 6'2", I needed more room than that. I thought that the dress would look fine with the sleeves removed, just a tank top, but since the lady who is doing all of the alterations is doing them for $150, I didn't push it. They will be a little poofy, but oh well. It will make us laugh in 10 years.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my friend who is making my cake. It will be Vanilla Almond with raspberry filling. She just had a daughter, the baby is 4 weeks old. I told her if it was too much, I could find someone else, but she's quite sure she wants to do it, so I'll let her. Tomorrow I also need to talk to a lady in Matt's church, she's making the pew decorations. I'd like to go see them before I agree to do all of the pews.

Aunt Marsha's invitation was returned, I had the old PO address, not the street address. Still, you'd think with it being such a small town they'd just forward it. It was obviously an invitation of some sort.

Speaking of out of town relatives, Mike and Donna are coming down. I was pleasantly surprised! Dad was, too.

Dad came down monday and Matt helped him cut down all of the trash in the back yard. After the remodel when they TORE UP the back yard to get to the sewer line I let the trash trees grow back up, so dad and Matt cleaned up. I also had him cut down the crepe myrtle tree to a crepe myrtle bush. There are now 2 large piles of limbs in front of the house, it looks like just after Ike.

I miss you. Every day I think of something else to tell you. I've been getting more and more agitated the closer I get to the wedding, and I figured out yesterday it's because I am finally understanding that you're gone. You won't be there to help me get dressed, or to watch me walk down the aisle. You won't be there to laugh with me about the women of the church, to laugh at me when I say or do something embarrassing. You won't be there the first time Matt and I have our first fight, to offer an ear and advice. I didn't ask you questions about your early marriage because I thought there would still be time.

Matt will be here soon, so I need to clean up my kitchen. It's a mess, as usual. I love you!

(sigh)

2010-10-18T17:22:00.003-05:00

Ok, I've gotten past that last slightly frantic post. I'm thinking it was a combination of stress and hormones. There were a couple of rough days last week, and I'm due to start this week, so I'm retroactively calling it PMS.

There's lots of thoughts racing through my head, but I can't seem to get them into type. I've just spent the last 5 minutes staring out the window but not seeing a darn thing, just sort of drifting.

So, for now I'll just post:

(sigh) I'm sleeping in tomorrow.

cool!

2010-10-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

The making of Ephemicropolis from Peter Root on Vimeo.

A Strange Thing Occurs To Me

2010-10-11T13:54:00.002-05:00

So, I'm getting a little freaked out about this wedding. And it's not the wedding, it's the marriage.

In all seriousness, what if he drives me crazy in a year? There isn't even divorce, as abhorrent as I would find that, as an option if he genuinely annoys me in a year. And then what do I do?

I was talking, well, emailing, with a friend of mine this morning. And it occured to me that the people who have known me the longest, Re~, Cyn, Roni, even Leesha, none of them are at all surprised by the fact that I'm marrying a Pastor. My family is a little surprised, but then, my aunts and uncles and cousins, and, even my brother, don't know me as well as those friends do. And my friends aren't surprised.

I guess that says something. I'm not entirely sure what is says, but it must mean something.

Maybe that sometimes your friends know you better than you know yourself? Or that sometimes you have to step outside of a situation to see what's really going on?

Or is it that there are parts of my personality that I've never shown anyone? The things I think that I don't share. Like, what if we're married for a year, or 2 or 5, and he genuinely annoys me, to the point that I stop enjoying his company? Then what?

And you thought I was a glass-half-full kind of girl.

Another Depressing Family Post

2010-10-01T14:57:00.007-05:00

Update: So, it turns out that all of this animosity between my brother and I isn't coming from my brother. It's coming from my SIL. I finally got my dad to tell me what was going on, and it's my SIL. Apparently anything I have ever told Bro and SIL in the past 5 years is now fuel for the "SMurF Shouldn't Be In Charge Of The Money" discussion. And it's my dad's fault because they (mom and dad) never treated my BRO right, and they (Bro and SIL) never wanted dad's money, and that all I want from dad is his money, and because I'm BiPolar, and so terribly irresponsible with money I'll probably blow through my money within 2 years, and then I'll have to ask my BRO and SIL for money. There were more things that my dad relayed to me, but I don't remember them all. Crazy stuff. My SIL has gone off the deep end.

For the past 2 years we have gone to see the Nutcracker. It had become something of a tradition, one mom and SIL and Emma and I looked forward to. Last weekend dad asked me to get in touch with SIL and see if they wanted to go, and when. That way we could get tickets early and not have to pay so much.

I called SIL this morning, she was pretty rude on the phone, and I asked her if she still wanted to go to Nutcracker, and when. She told me it was too far away, and she didn't know, and then she hung up.

Dad called me about an hour ago, SIL had called dad and told him that he didn't need to worry about tickets to the Nutcracker for them, if they decided to go they would pay for their own tickets.

Dad called me almost in tears. I told him I was sorry, that I had tried, and that to tell me what to do to fix it and I would. I would do whatever it took to fix this. He told me that there wasn't a way to fix it, that there wasn't anything I could do to change anything. Then he asked me if they, Bro and SIL, were coming to the wedding. I told him I didn't know, that I hoped so, that I had wanted Emma to be a Flower Girl, but that I hadn't had a chance to ask her since I hadn't seen them since the funeral.

I don't know. I don't know what I said, or what I did. I don't know when I said or did it. This is breaking Dad's heart, and if he has to choose he'll choose Emma over me and Fiance. I guess I would, too. He feels the need to keep in touch with his granddaughter, and I don't begrudge him that.

Dear God, please show me the path. Give me the words that will help bridge this gap. Give us all peace, and help us get through this and come out good on the other side. Help heal broken hearts and hurt feelings. Amen.

Red light Green light

2010-09-30T15:19:00.003-05:00

This morning I sat a blinking red light for at least a minute. There weren't any other cars in the intersection, and I just kept waiting for the green light.

I finally noticed it wasn't a solid red. I should have known that right away. I stop at that intersection every day.

Epicurean Event

2010-09-29T16:24:00.004-05:00

Has anyone ever been to a Taste of ______, Epicurean event?

Fiance and I went to one on Monday night. We had so much fun! There were about 20 wine tables, and just about a table of every other kind of liquor. The tequila was especially tasty.

They had Sushi (smoked salmon, and cooked shrimp, but still good), Italian, Mexican, Seafood, American, Vietnamese (mmm noodles), BBQ, Cajun, and fried everything. There was even an herbal store table with yummy herbal tea.

I found 2 new restaurants in town that I need to try now.

And then there were the dessert tables. Oh my gosh, the dessert. there were 3 tables that were just bakery items. If I had known the range of desserts I wouldn't have eaten any of the real food.

We were so stuffed, and half buzzed when we left, so I called a friend of mine and we sat at her house for an hour, drinking water and sobering up. It was a nice visit, too.

It was totally worth the money.

So, my recommendation is: If you have the money, and there is a "Taste Of your town's name", then definitely go. Awesome food, and ate enough to fill me up for 2 days. Except that I ate it in, you know, 2 hours. hehe.

Wedding Stuff

2010-09-26T22:54:00.002-05:00

I bought my shoes this weekend!

I had a great idea! I decided that I should wear white cowboy boots with the dress!

But, I couldn't find any locally. So I went to an inexpensive shoe place and bought a pair of cute comfortable heels. They're nice, and they'll work fine for trying on the dress for length.

But then I went online to Ebay, and found white boots!

I bought a pair of white ropers for $85, which is more than I would like to spend but it's awesome that I'm going to wear white cowboy boots.

They'll be a total surprise for Fiance!

I also bought all of the ribbon I'll need. But now that I think of it, I don't have any wire to build the bows with. hm, I'll have to go buy some.

There are 4 weekends left. Just 4.

Wow.

Home

2010-09-26T22:35:00.003-05:00

So I went home this weekend. It was ok. A little strange, all of mom's stuff is still there but mom isn't.

But that's not what this post is about.

Dad went shopping with me on saturday, I bought several different kinds of blue and silver ribbon, and I looked for card-stock that I like. I didn't find any card-stock, and Garden Ridge Pottery has slipped in the last few years. It used to be a really cool store, but while there were lots of flowers, there wasn't a lot beyond that.

We tried to get SIL and niece to come have dinner with us, but they had a birthday party and couldn't come. So we were going to go over to their house sat night to visit, but SIL shut us down, so we didn't. So Dad and I both expected to see them in church this morning, but they didn't come.

So dad had something to do and we couldn't have lunch, so I called and left a message for SIL that I was around and if they wanted to have lunch. I hung around home until 11:45am, but they didn't return the call.

Dad told me on saturday that I needed to be very careful about what I told Bro and SIL, that I shouldn't tell them anything about my private life, that they thought, well, that they thought like a married couple with a kid and I thought like a single female, and dad wouldn't expound beyond that. So, I don't really know what that means, except that they continue to prove exactly how little they think of me. That was followed by Dad saying he wished to God that I hadn't ever told them about the Bi-polar thing.

Thing is, though, that if I didn't have Fiance, this would have devastated me. Now it's an annoyance. Like, well, if that's how they feel, that's ok, because I have a man who loves me for who I am, Bi-Polar included. Thank you God, for this man. He's keeping me grounded and sane.

So, Fiance wants to ask my Bro to be a Groomsman, but I'm not sure if he'll agree at this point. I also need to ask Emma to be the flower girl, and I'd like to actually do that in person. In the worst case, I wonder if they'll show up. In the best case, I hope they come up for the rehearsal, Emma will need to experience walking down the aisle if she's willing.

Updates

2010-09-22T11:54:00.003-05:00

So, last Saturday I had my first wedding/mom related meltdown.

It had to do with the invitations and RSVP information, and the fact that the phone number for the church isn't printed on the invitation. That led to, "How will people know where to RSVP" and lots of tears. Which I still feel like is a valid argument because he doesn't have a home phone, mine is unlisted, and there's no way to find either of our cell phone numbers, unless you know someone who would have it. Some people on my list, if we don't provide a number, wouldn't have much of a way to get in touch with us.

So we're going to put inserts with the RSVP church phone number and the hotel information. I haven't decided what to do about the Gift Registry, though. I'm thinking of maybe just leaving the info with the church secretary, and she can let people know when they call. Because we don't really need anything, but we registered anyway, so that if people want to buy us something they can have an idea. But, really, we don't need anything. Really, come to the wedding and have fun! That's a great gift, I haven't seen some of my friends in years, and it will be fun to have you around!

My dress is being altered. I'm a little short-waisted, so I thought the shoulders would have to be altered, but my friend who is doing the sewing found that if she puts in 2 little darts in the back it took up the extra fabric! That means she won't have to tear apart both shoulders. Yay!

I have 2 friends who are doing my cakes, my friend Liz is doing the bride's cake, it will be a vanilla almond cake with raspberry filling. The decorations will be my silver and blue ribbon, and probably some Delphiniums of the correct color for decoration. My other friend is making a Sand Castle groom's cake. It will be chocolate, but Matt wants the lighter whipped frosting, not the heavy butter cream. We'll just have to see whether or not it's feasible, especially when you add sanding sugar over the top.

I sat last night with the Ladies of Matt's church, the ones in charge of coordinating all of the reception and stuff. We discussed tables and chairs, table arrangements, whether or not we'd have room for a small dance floor, table cloths, table skirts, serving setup, where we'd put the alcohol, the gift table, decorating the gymnasium, harder than you might think, there are some structures against the walls that cannot be moved. So we're buying new black plastic sheeting and we'll cover the structures and put up my ribbon and twinkle lights, white and blue, and it will be fine. We'll just have to tell the photographer to shoot at low angles.

I spoke with the flower shop in the local Krogers, and she can get me all of my flowers for $350. That's bouquets, boutonnieres, altar flowers and some flowers for the center pieces at the reception. I think that's a pretty good price, so I went with it.

The alcohol, on the other hand, will cost us a bundle! Beer, wine and champagne for the toast for 200 people is a LOT of alcohol.

Whew. And we're not even close to being done. Only 6 weeks to go!

Weekend

2010-09-13T10:40:00.004-05:00

I got a bug on Friday and totally started cleaning my house. That hasn't happened a lot lately, so I went with it, and instead of going to the gym I cleaned the house. I got to the kitchen and living/dining, but I still need to hit my bedroom and the bathroom.

Then Saturday I got another bug and mowed my yard. Voluntarily. Without having to bargain and wheedle with myself. I got most of it done, my Godson's birthday was on Saturday afternoon and I had to stop so that I could clean up in time.

Then on Sunday, Fiance and I did our Wedding registry.

First we went to JC Penny's. I wanted to register at Sephora, but I thought that might be in bad taste to register for makeup! Then we went to Target. Then we thought we would go to Lowe's.

Did you know that Lowe's doesn't do wedding registry's anymore? Home Depot does, but it's totally old school, they gave us some forms and told us to write down the SKU's. We did it, but we didnt' put much stuff on it, we'd already had a pretty long day so we only found a few things we liked.

We picked a large range of things. We didn't manage to get table linens or china/flatware. We couldn't find one we both agreed on, so we decided we'd just have to pick that stuff on our own.

We started at Penny's at 2pm, we left Home Depot at 7pm. We walked for 5 hours. My feet were so sore and tired. I even had good shoes on, but they still felt bruised. They're still a little sore today, but not as bad as last night.

I had a slight breakdown on saturday night, though. We were talking about moving in together, and I had a flash of a conversation that I didn't get to have with mom. About moving in with a husband and trying to make it work, and what do you do when he irritates the CRAP out of you, but you hate to tell him because you don't want to A) Sound like a raving bitch, and B) don't want to hurt his feelings? And what happens if you really don't live together well? Those thoughts came in a flash, and I started crying, and Fiance asked what was wrong and I couldn't even articulate why I was crying. It sucked.

So, on the balance, it was an OK weekend. Good stuff, but a pretty bad moment or two, too.

I've developed an eye twitch

2010-09-07T11:26:00.002-05:00

It's been 10 days since mom died. My mood seems to be stabilizing somewhat, so that's good, but my left eye has begun to twitch. No one else can see it, but I can feel it and it makes me a little crazy. I keep putting my finger on my eyelid. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation. It looks odd, it feels odd, but the twitch is truly annoying.

Good news, though. I bought my wedding dress yesterday.

It has sleeves (!!), a rather low sweetheart neckline, and it was on sale. Less than $300!

It's white, and I wanted Ivory or Silver, but the rest of it was just right, so I bought it. I'll need to have it altered slightly, but that shouldn't be a problem.

I also joined online Weight Watchers. It was $65 for 2 months, which I thought was a pretty good price, but made Fiance gasp. It's only $65. I've spent more than that on dining out some months.

I went over on my points yesterday, but I'm just getting used to this, so I'm ok with it for now. I've decided that I'm not counting my coffee points. I add cream, which increases the points from 0 to 2 or 3, but darn it, I LIKE creamer in my coffee! So those will be some of my extra points.

Day 2

2010-08-30T17:34:00.004-05:00

I didn't go to work today. I meant to go to work.

For the last 2 nights my fiance, my Pastor fiance, let me spend the night. Just so that I wasn't alone. I'm glad. I don't think I would have slept much the last 2 nights otherwise. But I did sleep.

We got up late this morning. Awesome Fiance let me sleep in, so he was late this morning, too. I came home and started cleaning and doing laundry and then it was noon. So I ate, and then it was 3, and then it seemed dumb to go in for 1 hour.

So, I'll go to work and face the world tomorrow.

Mom

2010-08-30T10:26:00.003-05:00

My mom passed away on Saturday morning. The funeral will be on Saturday morning, we need to give family a chance to get into town.

I'm sad and relieved and lots of other emotions.

Truth is, I lost my mom several years ago. She's been sick for 2 years, and she's been slowly slipping away. She died peacefully, she was in hospice with respiratory failure from the pneumonia. They had her on morphine to help relieve the oxygenation starvation. I think the morphine helped her to relax, and she just stopped fighting. Dad is taking it better than I thought he would.

My brother and his wife were upset with me, it's too much to go into right now. But I've left the majority of the funeral and burial arrangements to them and at least my SIL is better towards me. That's good, because I just couldn't handle more emotion or drama right now.

And Fiance has been a rock. I know I could handle all of this by myself, but it's been so much easier with him beside me.

I'm not sure how much posting I'll be doing, but I'm going to try, just as a sort of diary.

The Best, and The Worst

2010-08-24T22:03:00.004-05:00

Matthew proposed to me last night, it was so sweet and romantic and awesome, and the ring is beautiful! I've been keeping it from my friends, but I helped pick it out a couple of weeks back, but it's so much prettier than I could have imagined.

The doctors came in with the news today, based on the CT and x-rays from yesterday they are recommending hospice care to begin immediately.

They expect mom to live another 3-5 weeks.

We're going to do a bit of a trick for my mom. I'm going to go buy my dress next week and we'll have a wedding wherever mom is, home or hospice center or wherever, Matthew and Dad can wear nice suits and I'll wear the dress and Brent and Monika, if they will bother themselves to be involved, can dress up with Emma and we'll have a 'wedding'. That way mom will get to see us get married.

Then on November 6th we'll have the real wedding. It will be a terribly happy and a terribly sad occasion. Michelle, you need to find the most tear-proof mascara you can find, because I'm gonna be a wreck.

I don't have a prayer. This really calls for one, but I just don't have one.

This isn't my fault, people!!

2010-08-23T13:01:00.003-05:00

A while back my dad changed his will.

He changed it and made me the executor, not my brother. My dad's estate is in 7 figures. It's cash, stocks, bonds and property.

My brother tends to be emotional with regards to his money. He has stated more than once that the US market is crap and he wants to begin investing in the European market. He's not financially savvy enough to do this, and he could lose everything pretty quickly.

He has also stated that he feels like the US isn't the best place to live anymore and wants to move to Europe when he retires, because he feels like it would be a better life.

So my dad changed the will. He needed Bro and SIL to sign the new document. They were understandably upset.

Fast forward to the next time I went home. Dad was upset because Bro and SIL were mad at him and weren't talking to him. I told him I guess I could kind of see it, and that I wished I would have been able to be there. Dad told me that no, it was good that I wasn't there.

Later he told me some of what was said. And it seems that Bro and SIL think less of me than I had originally thought. Something about I was jealous of him because they had a kid, and that I had manipulated Dad and that was why he was helping me financially, and I'm not sure what all else. I was quite noticeably upset, so dad quit telling me, just that it was good that I wasn't there.

What with mom being in the hospital and me needing to relay messages, I've had to talk to them several times. SIL has cooled considerably. She was borderline rude when I spoke with her yesterday. I asked about my niece, and she thawed a little bit, but then it was 'You need to call Bro, OK? Ok, Bye' and she hung up.

Spoke with my Bro last night, to see if he would be able to be here this morning for when the Dr.'s came in on their rounds. He was flat out rude, and ended the conversation by telling me that they couldn't be there and I would just have to take care of it on my own.

Ah. So, that's it. If dad changed the will like that, then it will now be my burden to be the primary care-taker of them.

But, why they're mad at me I dont' know. I didn't ask dad to change the will. I do think it's a good idea, but I never voiced that to either dad or bro.

I'm not going to be able to do this without Bro and SIL's help. I live 2 hours away, and that will mean that bro and sil will have to help when I'm not able to be there. The will change shouldn't affect that. But it will. It already does.

sigh

2010-08-22T11:32:00.004-05:00

Mom is in the Large Cancer Hospital.

She was admitted on Friday evening. She has pneumonia in both lungs, but it seems to be responding to the antibiotics. At least, draining her right lung doesn't hurt anymore, so I think that's good.

Yesterday when she would move around her stats would hold, her blood pressure, heart rate and blood ox would hold. This morning they're a little shakier, her blood oxygen is staying in the low 90's and drops to the high 80's when she moves around.

There is no telling how long she'll be in here.

I have some time available in the next day or two, so I should be able to stay here for a day or two, just to keep an eye on dad and talk to the doctors.

Dad is ok as long as no one talks about Worst Case, then he completely falls apart. Completely. I've never actually seen anyone wring their hands. I'm worried he might pull his fingers off.

BF came with me yesterday, we spent a little time. Today I came on my own. Dad needed to go home, so I'm relieving him today. I'll go home this afternoon/evening. I need to start some laundry, and it's beach night. I would like to go to the beach today. I get the feeling i'll need some down time in the next few days.

She's on IV ciprofloxicin. That's going to give her a yeast infection. Possibly the most uncomfortable non-serious thing to endure while in the hospital.

Getting old sucks. Getting this sick sucks worse. Total loss of dignity and privacy.

What might have been.

2010-08-19T22:05:00.006-05:00

UPDATE: Dear Fiance, if you ever read this, please know that this was a momentary lapse. The next morning these feelings were gone, and by the next saturday it was nothing but a fleeting memory. You are the man I was meant to have. God gave me blessings I didn't know he was giving me when he gave me you. I love you!

So, I found a friend on Facebook. An old friend, we met when I was in Grad school. He was an undergrad, my age, but had been in the military and was starting college late.

He was smart, funny, HOT, I was just totally attracted to this guy. I met him, I taught bio lab, not sure which class but I was the TA (ha!) for the class and taught the lab. I was attracted to him while he was in my class, but we didn't do anything about it until after he was done with that class. It was a small school, it probably wouldn't have mattered, but I like to follow the rules.

We dated for awhile, but before it got very far an old girlfriend showed up on the scene. He wanted to try again, so that was the end for us.

Or so I thought.

He re-enlisted and joined the army where he trained to fly helicopters. We talked pretty often via email and phone, there wasn't texting yet, myspace and facebook didn't exist. We talked enough that he paid for me to go see him for the weekend, he was in Alabama for flight school. I had fun, but it was...well, it wasn't easy. You know, sometimes you meet someone and you can talk for hours and it's just easy being together? It wasn't that easy. I had a hard time reading him, and he, well, I think he wanted me to be more like him. But the sex was incredible. The sex was enough to hold up the rest of the weekend.

When he graduated he was stationed up in AK. Shortly after that I moved to where I am now. A series of events, and I went to AK to go see him. Once again, it wasn't easy being together. The sex was still incredible, but it was just a little tense the whole time I was there. I went with a pretty tight budget, and he, well, after a few days we just sort of rubbed each other the wrong way. It was sort of a relief when it was time for me to fly home. For both of us. But the mutual affection and attraction was still there, so we stayed in touch. He deployed several times to Iraq, he was stationed in Germany for awhile, I think. Eventually we lost touch.

There's a LOT that I'm leaving out here, some things I understand now because Hindsight is 20/20 and some things that we've discussed, and some things that I'm guessing at.

But I came across him on Facebook. He's stationed in Central America now. And he is still H.O.T HOT. And age has only made it better. I know what his taste in women is like, at least what his taste used to be, and I know that the way I am now, he wouldn't be physically attracted to me. Now, I'm not bad looking, but I don't have 10% body fat. And I'm not blond enough, and I'm probably just a bit too American at this point. I know he was engaged for awhile to a woman in Germany, but I'm not sure what happened, all he would ever tell me was that it didn't work.

I looked at his profile and read his page and looked at his pictures. And I wonder, What If? What if his ex hadn't come back while we were in school? What if I had planned the AK vacation a little better? What if we stayed in touch a little better? What if I was still a size 6? Would any of it have made a difference?

BF made a statement a long time back now, he said that right now the world is exactly where the world is supposed to be. In that, the world with regards to Global Warming and Nuclear Arms and Politics and War and all of the bad things, everything is where God has already arranged it to be, and that God has already taken care of it all.

So, does that mean I am where I am supposed to be? That all of the men in my past, all of the things that have happened, all of the things that DIDN'T happen, that God has me right where he intends me to be?

I look at that profile, and part of me wants to run away to South America. I've never been to Honduras. Nothing like an adventure, right? Not that anything would happen, even if I WAS ball-sy (re crazy) enough to randomly fly down to Honduras, find the base, manage to get on base, and then without getting killed or arrested or sent to an insane asylum, find him, because we tried a couple of times in the past 11 years. It just didn't work. Whatever it was that I was or wasn't, that he was or wasn't, we just didn't work together.

Now, I have several guys that I knew that fit this general pattern. We tried, it just didn't work, for a variety of reasons. Some were me, some were them, some were both of us.

This BF, this is a big thing. We're going to get married. Probably on November 6th. Once this thing is done, that's it. It's done, and it can't be undone. Once I say those words, all of the others, the What Ifs, Might Have Beens, Should Have Trieds, those are gone. shit. what the hell am I doing??

A rather expensive cheeseburger

2010-08-12T09:59:00.004-05:00

So, tuesday night I couldn't sleep. Not sure why, but by the time I looked at the clock to see what time it was, it was too late to take a sleeping pill. The end result was that I didn't go to sleep until after 4am.

I emailed in to work that I'd be late and slept until about 11am (I have a great job like that) and I felt much better. by the time I got out of the house it was close to noon so I stopped at McDonalds for lunch.

They have a value meal, 2 Cheeseburgers fries and drink. I didn't really need the 2 cheeseburgers, but I was really drawn to that value meal. It cost me $5.20.

I managed to get out of McDonalds without my drink. The cashier forgot to give me a cup and I forgot to ask for one.

Once outside there was a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk. He asked for change, I didn't have any, I kept walking, got to my car, and then realized that I had bought the 2 cheeseburger meal. It was like a shot through my brain, this was the reason (it seemed) that I bought the 2 cheeseburger meal. So I got back out of my car and took the guy my extra cheeseburger.

I got to work, where my co-workers were already eating lunch, so I joined them. I set my fries in the middle of the table so we could all share. I ate my cheeseburger and half the fries before my friend, who had only eaten a few fries, asked, 'Do you still want those?'. I said I guessed not, I didn't reallly need the calories, so she tossed them in the trash.

End: I paid $5.20 for an $0.89 cheeseburger.

So, I'm a wuss

2010-08-03T10:35:00.003-05:00

Oh My Gosh! (have to clean up the language for the Pastor Boyfriend!)

I started cardio at the local gym yesterday,(because I need to be sexy for our honeymoon), and it made my ankle a little sore (I know, I'm a wuss) so I wrapped it overnight last night, and the wrap bruised my foot! The outside of my foot was swollen and purple this morning, and it HURT! I put an ice pack on it, and took a nap this morning on my couch. The swelling is gone, but it's still pretty tender.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym, even if I have to do the recline bike. Or maybe the spin bike? Whatever, I AM going to the gym tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my mom's Birthday but she has Dr. appointments all day, so my mom, dad, Brother, SIL and niece are coming this direction tonight and will meet up with BF and I for dinner.

It should be fine, BF can take care of himself, but I'm a little nervous about it anyway.

If anything exciting happens I'll post it tomorrow. Hopefully my brother will behave himself.

Another Blog/Dating question

2010-07-26T21:48:00.007-05:00

I had a discussion/argument/situation that came up today, and I need the advice of my bloggy friends.

As I may have blogged before, I am rather private, and especially with my personal life.

Last week Thursday my BF and I came out to Facebook.

The next day my friend was trying to be cute and asked me if we had 'consumated' anything yet. Once again, I had a rather strong reaction. This time I did manage to better control my external reaction. I said, with not really any smile or anything, that I knew she thought she was being funny, but I really didn't think it was funny. She got rather defensive, so I backed off.

Yesterday afternoon I tried again. I asked her to please not make comments like that because (I finally figured it out) it really embarrasses me. REALLY Embarrasses Me. Once again, she got really defensive, telling me she 'wished I didn't over-react to things like that. It was only once!' I was trying to say that, yes, I understood that it was once, but it made me really uncomfortable and I just wanted my feelings known. As a final shot, she told me that she didn't think I would be so sensitive, the way I write my blog.

Step Back.

Dear Bloggy Friends: Do I have the right to expect that what I write on my blog (viewed by only a few IRL friends) be kept, well, I guess personal? On the one hand, once it's written and posted on my blog it is now public domain, and therefore inherently no longer personal. On the other hand, the fact that this blog is largely anonymous, and therefore something that I try to keep personal, or at least, NOT open to my direct community, then should my IRL friends respect the fact that sometimes I don't want to discuss it?

Maybe I am being overly sensitive about all of this. I'm not shy about discussing sex and relationships and such, but, except for very long ago, I'm not explicit about what and how and when. So that when a situation like this arises, I'm not comfortable about discussing the details of the physical relationship, I'm not really even comfortable discussing this AT ALL, except through this filter of a blog to a mostly anonymous audience.

Everyone pretty much assumes that, as a Pastor, BF isn't running around sleeping with women, and that means that pretty much everyone will assume that BF and I aren't having sex, so that finally means that everyone will be wink-wink-knudge-knudge about our wedding night. You can't believe how that thought makes my stomach knot up.

A good weekend

2010-07-19T20:32:00.006-05:00

So, since we didn't have a tv at my house for movie night, we played games. we played Cranium, Turbo Edition. BF and I lost.

My awesome boyfriend had an extra tv, so he brought me his extra. yay! It's the same era as mine was, but it's a larger tv. I am very happy to have a tv again.

We spent a good chunk of time on saturday together. After some time in the afternoon, we went to Downtown, had some really good Indian food, went to the opera, had some coffee and dessert, and headed back home. It was a really nice time, we enjoyed the whole evening.

This morning I woke up with an alarming headache. This is the second such headache in 2 weeks. I hope, I really really hope that this isn't the beginning of a pattern. I don't want migraines.

I went to a baby shower on Sunday afternoon. I didn't really have much money to spend, so I made a little pair of booties and 2 little hats, a little pink one and a little variegated (pink, purple and cream) frilly one. She really liked the hats.

I'm going home for my niece's birthday on saturday, she turns 5! really? 5? already? It doesn't seem possible that it's been 5 years since she was born.

The End of my World!

2010-07-14T18:30:00.002-05:00

aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

My TV has died!!! What will I do???

The sky is falling!!!

Gary Gnu: Where No Gnews is good Gnews

2010-07-13T09:15:00.006-05:00

hm.

Not much happening in my life right now.

I was supposed to go home this past weekend, but saturday I had a headache. A really nasty headache, I was light sensitive and nauseous. I don't think it was a migraine, if so it was a pretty mild one. But still, driving 2 hours was just more than I could manage.

About 2 weeks back I was looking online for some herbal/at home remedies for an appetite stimulant for mom. I found a couple, and then some prescriptions that are labeled as appetite stimulants. I meant to mail them, but they got buried under the paperwork at my desk, so I was just going to take them home with me this weekend, but then, I didn't GO home this weekend, so I mailed them yesterday. I asked dad to check with Kris, their Cancer Hospital nurse and see what she thought about them. Hopefully something will pan out from this.

I'm also going to try to get mom in to see a psychiatrist. Maybe a competent one this time. One that is in network, and therefore covered with a copay, and not the deductible. One that is willing to try different anti-depressants with different doses and maybe get some relief for mom's depression.

On a happier note, the boyfriend (hereafter known as BF) and I are doing well. We're going to try to spend saturday together. Hopefully we won't want to strangle each other by the end of the day. He's taking me to the Symphony, The Planets Plus Star Wars, on saturday night. I'm not big on symphony, so this one includes a planetarium and light show to go with the music. I'm going to try to drag him to the Farmer's Market a little further up the road from us on saturday morning. Which, btw, if any of my IRL friends want to go, that would be excellent!

I need to make a baby gift for a girlfriend of mine, it's a little late, so I think I'll just try for a little hat and booties. It should only take a couple of hours, so that's do-able for a sunday afternoon shower.

I guess that's about it. Work is still moving along. House is still in good shape. Family is still family. Friends are still friends.

Dear God, thank you for a life that is still moving in the right direction. Amen.

I hate when I do stuff like this

2010-07-06T10:36:00.005-05:00

I sometimes think I'd lose my head if it wasn't sewn on.

I went to the state LWML convention in June. I pay for everything up front and my society will reimburse me.

I submitted receipts, and got a check Sunday morning.

Now, I know, I KNOW, I put that check in my purse. But when I got to the bank yesterday I couldn't find it. I took everything out of my purse, looked all through my wallet, nothing.

I thought, Oh Shit! I knew the skirt I had worn didn't have any pockets, but I checked the laundry anyway. I had thrown away the bulletin for the service, so I got the trash bag out of the can and dug through until I found the bulletin, but no check.

I had cleaned the house very well for the 4th of July party, but I checked all around my tables and kitchen counters, in the drawers of the China Hutch, nothing.

CRAP!!!

I went through my purse again, and thought to look into my little pocket calendar. There it was! I have no idea WHY I put it there. I breathed a very large sigh of relief. Now I didn't have to go back to my society and tell them that we need to put a stop payment on the check, because I lost it within 48 hours.

And they want to make me president of my Zone. Hang on tight, ladies, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Worth it in the end

2010-07-01T11:21:00.004-05:00

On Tuesday I was eating lunch with 2 of my bestest friends.

An off-hand comment was made, and I reacted pretty strongly to it. K asked me, 'So, have you and BF kissed yet?' It majorly irritated me. Like, really. so I responded pretty quickly and passionately, 'You do not get an accounting of our sex life!'

I had to stop and think about why I reacted so strongly, and where the irritation came from.

The comment itself was not offensive. And it wasn't intended to be. I know that. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, though, it struck a chord in me.

I have figured out why. If this was any other man, at this point, while I would be talking about a bf, no one would have met him yet, and I wouldn't be giving very much detail about the relationship yet.

But, as K said, 'This is BF!'

Which makes it a little worse. Him being a Pastor is an added layer of complexity to an already involved process. Dating is hard. Trying to bring 2 lives together is a complex thing. Trying to bring 2 lives together when one of them lives a very public life is even more so.

As we make this relationship more public, especially to his congregation, it will be increasingly hard to keep the intimate parts(and I don't mean sex here) of the relationship private.

And for someone who is as private as I am, this is going to be hard. Worth it in the end, but hard none-the-less.

TADA!!

2010-06-29T22:25:00.001-05:00

A new look! I hope I'll have something interesting to post tomorrow. I have something, but it's not quite ready to be posted. Tomorrow.

A not-so-relaxing-vacation

2010-06-22T11:31:00.004-05:00

So, I wasn't at work last week, but it wasn't a relaxing vacation.

On saturday (6/12) I got up early to help with a Thrivent event happening at my church. I left in a hurry and drove to my SIL's house, threw my stuff in her car and she drove me to the airport.

I flew 1000 miles, about 5 hours in a plane (and 3 on stop-overs). I went to a family reunion on Sunday, I got in a car on with mom and dad Tuesday morning and proceeded to drive 1000 miles back. It was it's own form of difficult. They had the truck so most of the way I was in the back seat. It's a little cramped back there.

Wednesday we got home.

Thursday I drove to Austin from my parent's house, took about 2 hours to the north end of Austin. I was there for 3 1/2 days for an LWML Texas District Convention. It was good, we gave away $185,000 for Missions. Friday was a long day, it was the business meeting, Saturday was a long day, it was the enrichment sessions, and then I drove home Sunday. It was about 4 hours home.

I had to be at work on Monday.

I'm very tired. I wasn't at work, but it wasn't really a vacation.

{eye twitch and shoulder spasms, and wordless mumbling}

2010-06-10T12:14:00.005-05:00

EEEEEERRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this compound!!!!!!! With the fiery hot passion of a thousand burning suns!!!!!!!!

I've been working on this chart for what seems like forever, probably about 4 hours total. I'm not seeing what's really there, I'm seeing what should be there. So Dr. C sent this chart to the obnoxious woman that gave us this compound, the woman who REALLY REALLY wants this compound to work who believes that we are the ones screwing up and that the compound really does work, and now we need to make 2 minor corrections [33%, not 32% (which changes nothing) and 14 of 29, not 10 of 29 (which changes the picture slightly, but only by a degree or two)] and he has to send it to her again. Now he's upset with me. Yesterday it was indirectly at me. Now it's directly at me.

I've been looking and tweaking so long I didn't catch those 2 because I'm seeing what should be there, not what actually is there.

Dear God, please make this compound GO THE FREAK AWAY!!!!!!!!! Amen.

A Drunkard's Tale

2010-06-07T13:59:00.005-05:00

Katie, you're allowed to smirk all you want, but you are not to disclose this to anyone. Got it?? I just really needed to get this out of my brain.

So, I've been friends with this guy for several years. He's a Pastor. He's my age. He's a good man. Not bad looking, smart, funny, we largely share the same political and religious views.

We've been hanging out together for probably close to a year and a half. Effectively we've been dating, without a physical side. For the last several months I've been thinking that there was something there. But he never did anything to indicate that he might be interested in being anything more than friends.

Now, not to brag, or be too arrogant or anything, but I sort of figured that he was at one time or might still be interested in something more than friendship with me, but for whatever reason he didn't act on it. I just thought that if I made a move, he'd go along with it.

But I've been thinking that for several months now. And every time I made a resolution to say or do something, I would chicken out.

And then there was a wedding. And I thought...AH HA!! Here's a ready made event that was a little romantic and served free booze. Liquid Courage.

The wedding was beautiful, the bride had a beautiful dress, and it wasn't a strapless! It was a sweet service, and I have to admit I cried a little. The reception was really nice, mostly everyone stayed after the meal, and while there wasn't much dancing there was lots of conversation and having a good time.

So when the reception finally broke, I decided to make the move. There were several bottles of wine left after the reception, so I asked if I could take one, and they said, Sure! So I grabbed the wine and 2 plastic glasses and told him to go to the beach.

Where I proceded to get thoroughly drunk. That last bottle of wine was just more than my poor no-tolerance body could handle.

Not all was lost, though, because we managed to have the conversation, and I was probably more candid than I would have been mostly sober.

He was genuinely amazed that we had, in fact, been dating for more than a year. And I'm pretty sure I kissed him. I think 2 or 3 times. Not sure. The night gets a little fuzzy once we were on the jetty. I'm told I managed to get into the house on my own steam, which is a comfort. I used to remember every humiliating painful embarrassing thing I did the night before, but the older I get the more forgetful I get. I can't decided if it's a good or bad thing.

I know that I had a SCREAMING hangover the next day. And while it's a little sadistic, I only texted him twice during the day, and didn't go see him until Sunday, so he spent the prior 36 hours wondering if I even remembered what had happened.

He asked if he got to change his Facebook status, since we'd been dating for many months now. I said, maybe not just yet. Let's ease into this nice and slow.

So. I'm dating a Pastor. I know, it surprised all of us.

Dear God, show me the path, and I'll follow it. Amen.

2010-05-30T16:39:00.003-05:00

YAY! Forgot to post, it's been quite a few days.

Mom's test came back good, the cancer hasn't grown or metastasized. She just needed a new drug.

Then we went to a cognitive exam. It was tough, and good. Mom didn't know what year it was, or how long she'd been married, but she got most of the rest of it. I'm going to call the dr on about wednesday and find the results of the test. I'm hoping for something like Ritalin. For sure an anti-depressant, she hit on all of the symptoms he mentioned. I'm hoping that we'll start to get mom back.

My brother, as usual, took the WORST POSSIBLE view, that great, there was one less drug that worked and we were just that much closer to a time when the drugs stopped working.

Dad and I decided that we'd ignore him.

So, thank you for the thoughts and prayers! They must have worked.

Amen!

are we sure today wasn't a monday?

2010-05-18T20:01:00.003-05:00

Today we went to Large Cancer Hospital to have the appointment.

My brother called me Monday afternoon, did I think he needed to go in with us.

Now, several things here. 1) I REALLY REALLY didn't want it to be cancer, so I told him, truthfully, that I was expecting an uneventful appointment, and 2) My brother and mom and dad don't get along so well. He often brings conflict with him into situations with all of us. The end being, brother didn't go with us, but SIL and niece came instead.

2 of the 3 biopsies they did were positive. Like, really positive. I could see how hard it hit dad. It really took his feet out from under him. I tried to hug him, tell him that he wasn't walking alone, that we'd be there too, but he was too deep, I don't know if he couldn't hear me, or if he heard me but was shutting me out. He stepped away from me, physically. I don't know what to do to help him. I'm not sure there is anything I CAN do to help him.

So next wednesday they will start early, 8-ish with a chest x-ray and blood work, then move to a CT scan and a PET scan. I think there was another test in there somewhere. Dad proceeds to tell us that he doesn't know why we would want to come, all that's going to happen was he would take her from test to test. I told him I didn't care, that I or SIL or brother, or 2 or all 3 of us would be there. Because the time for him doing it all on his own is done. The time for any of us to do it on our own is done.

Dad didn't tell me, and I guess I saw it I just didn't think about the implications. Mom's voice has been getting weaker. She just doesn't have much volume right now. Dr took several long seconds palpating her neck. He's worried that the original tumor in her neck is growing again, pressing on nerves.

Mom also has a spot, a mole on her shoulder, that looks BAD. Like skin cancer bad. The didn't refer her to Dermatology, they referred her to the Fine Needle Aspiration Clinic. He bypassed the dermatologist altogether.

All in all, the Dr. didn't have good news this visit. And he wasn't happy about that. None of us was happy about that.

We can't stop what's coming. All we can do is prepare the best we can. It's a bit like looking at a hurricane bearing down on us. It's not coming fast like a tornado. It's coming slowly, and getting bigger the whole time. And even if we don't catch the eye, we're still going to have a lot of damage.

Dear God, Give us shelter from this storm. Amen.

WOOHOO!!! Trivia Friday!!

2010-05-14T15:13:00.008-05:00

This one is HARD!

(hehe forgot to link back to rockle. Sorry Rockle!)

Can anyone help me? I'm at a loss for #6

1.Three names for groups of four-legged farm animals
herd, flock, team of oxen?
2.Three names for groups of wild cats
pride, den, pack?
3.Three names for groups of insects
hive, nest, squadron?
4.Three names for groups of forest or woodland mammals
litter,
5.Three names for groups of primates
clan, family,
6.Three names for groups of animals you might see on a safari (not wild cats)
(I'll give it a try!) Crash??
7.Three names for groups of reptiles or amphibians
clutch, brood,
8.Three names for groups of sea animals (not waterfowl)
pod, school,
9.Three names for groups of waterfowl or seabirds
nest, gaggle,
10.Three names for groups of other birds
flight, coop

Standard trivia rules apply: to wit, no Google and no cheating. This went up late, so I'll post my answers on Tuesday 5/18 after 5pm. Good luck!

3 steps forward 2 steps back

2010-05-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

On Saturday when I got home for Mother's Day weekend with the family, Dad showed me a letter from Large Cancer Hospital.

The Radiologist found a spot in a lymph node under her left arm that needs to be looked at. They are doing a Fine Needle Biopsy today at 12:30.

Now, this could be one of several things, a couple of which are nothing to get excited about. However, it could also be cancer, and it could be the same cancer or a different one. I asked mom if she was scared and she said what I had been thinking.

It didn't do any good to be scared yet. What is coming is coming, and there isn't anything we can do to stop it or change it. So now isn't the time to panic or fall apart. There is plenty of time for that after we get a diagnosis.

We should have results pretty soon, they don't let this sort of test sit around very long. I told dad that if they have a dr. appointment this afternoon to let me know and I'd go up there and meet them. Whatever it is, it won't be good if dad is the only other person there.

Say some prayers. We need them right now.

Ramblings

2010-05-07T10:58:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile, and I'm not sure why.

My co-worker/friend and I are getting better. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. But we're still moving in the right direction, so that's good.

My plants in my front flower bed are growing nicely. The Butterfly bush is already 5 or 6 inches, and it growing like crazy. There is a rather large nursery up the road from me and they had a flat of 24 annual for $15. I need to go buy some to add some green and color to my flower beds. Right now they look pretty brown (dirt, of course) with a little green for contrast. I'd rather have it pretty green with a little brown for accent.

My Easter lilies are blooming finally. They're very pretty, even if they are a month late.

I'm getting a raise at work. Finally. I'm not sure how much of a raise, but I'm hoping it will be substantial, like 8-10%. My co-worker and I have been doing the job of 4 people for the last 9 months.

The 3rd week of April I went fishing with dad up at his cabin. I'm ashamed at how excited he was that I was joining him. I'm going to have to make this a yearly thing. I didn't know how much it meant to him, and it hurts me that I let it go that long without going up there. The white bass were hitting pretty good, we had the lights on the dock at night and one night I caught 10 or 12 in about 20 minutes. It was really cool! You just tossed the minnow in and the bass would hit it hard! I could catch 2 fish on 1 minnow because it would hit so hard that it didn't get a chance to actually eat the minnow! I also caught a pretty big crappie, but it was night and we thought it was just a large bass. We didn't know until morning that it was a crappie.

I've lost about 6 pounds in the last 6 weeks or so. I've been watching what I eat and exercising, a yoga/pilates class. I'm super flexible now and you can see the outer line of my abs. They have a nice comfy cover of fat, but the hint of the line is there, too. I'm very excited. My legs and rear look nice, too. I'm not usually a big fan of exercise and don't push myself very hard, but I'm seeing results, and seeing them quickly, so I'm pushing myself with higher weights and longer holds. As long as I continue to see results I'll keep pushing.

The lady that teaches the class is pregnant, and she is very excited about being pregnant. It's fun to watch her because she gets so excited when the baby kicks and moves and pushes back.

Also, last week my mom had a appointment at Large Cancer Hospital. The scans were clean, no lesions. Before he left I asked him about mom. My Dad was behind his back when I asked, and my dad's eyes got huge round and he looked like he might explode, but I asked the Dr. about mom, and how she wasn't really getting better, that she wasn't interested in anything, she sometimes slept 18 hours a day, didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. The Doc looked surprised, and told us no problem, he'd refer her to a NeuroPsychiatrist. I didn't even know there was such a thing, but the doc mentioned that sometimes they will introduce a neurostimulant, like Ritalin, to help kickstart the brain. At that point my dad's eyes got big with amazement, and looked really relieved, that maybe this might push mom back into this world. We're all praying this might be the thing we need to get mom back. We all miss her terribly. She's missing my niece's growing up, missing a good retirement with my dad, missing her LIFE.

I think that's all the major stuff, so I guess I'll end this random rambling post.

Next time, my dear bloggy friends.

With friends like this

2010-04-26T10:57:00.003-05:00

Ok, so maybe I'm a little selfish at work. But now that I know it, I'm taking steps to correct it. I'm trying to see where and when it's happening, and I'm trying to do better.

This morning my co-worker/'friend?' told me that she isn't paid enough to deal with me, and that if I want to know more about the upcoming experiments I need to talk to our boss.

yeah.

(sigh/small laugh/Igiveup gesture)

Don't know what to do now. I guess keep trying. But the friendship? Just took a Major blow, and the vessel is listing precariously.

Another Existential Question

2010-04-18T20:17:00.005-05:00

Let me start this by saying that I'm not, by nature, a malicious or manipulative. At least, from inside my head, I don't do things that are malicious or manipulative in their inception or execution. I do have a mean streak, but it's very narrow, and it rarely determines my decisions or actions.

However it has been pointed out lately that I'm selfish and self-centered. I was accused only once of being narcissistic, but the accusation wasn't repeated and after reading what a Narcissistic personality looks like I would take great offense and be quite insulted if I was ever accused so again.

As the youngest child things often went my way just because I was the last one. There were only 2 of us, but I was younger by enough years that my brother didn't want to do any of the things I was doing, and he was gone to college by the time I was in high school. Within reason, pretty much what I preferred we did. But, I was pretty easy going, so often whatever my parents wanted to do, I'd be ok with.

My question is this:

How do you step outside of yourself, look at your actions and reasons objectively, dispassionately, and tell if your motives are largely self-serving?

I admit that often at work I make plans, and then I present them, but it's not that I do it because I don't care what other people are doing, or how it will impact them. Often it's because we need a starting point, a plan to work from. So I set a plan, but it's not usually meant to be set in stone. If someone has a conflict we all need to work around it.

At least that's how it seems in my mind.

But lately it's been pointed out that I don't present it that way, that I present it as ,"This Is The Plan!"

How do you step back from yourself and determine your motives? And especially in the moment, how do you insert the filters so that you start to look for that?

And then, beyond that, what the heck do I tell myself at midnight, when it comes creeping up on me, that I must be a terrible person to work with, to work for, to even be in the same lab with.

I've never thought of myself as a selfish person. In fact, always the opposite.

Which leads me to:

What do I believe about myself? Do I believe what is inside me? Do I believe my heart, my mind, my faith? Or do I believe what someone else is saying about me, to me? Who's right? It's so easy to self-deceive, to convince yourself that you're one thing, when the opposite is true. But if you can't believe in yourself, who can you believe in?

Are you still selfish if you question whether or not you are? Or is it that, if you have to ask you probably are?

(sigh)

to quote a labmate: Life is not easy.

Insulation

2010-04-13T15:49:00.003-05:00

And on that note, MTAE, (if you're still around since I've been very lax about posting lately) I have roughly 900 sqft of attic that I need to insulate. There is a furnace up there that I'll have to work around. Would blown insulation be the way to go, or the roll-out stuff?

yard work

2010-04-12T16:38:00.006-05:00

Update: so, the bruise has spread out and is about 6" long now. I'd take a picture of it, but then I had second thoughts about posting a picture of my butt on my blog. So you'll just have to imagine it. :D

It rained on saturday. most of the day. I was going to work in the yard, mow and flower beds and stuff like that. But it rained. So I decided that I would clean out my attic. It still had books and crap like that leftover from the previous owner.

I was almost done and I tripped. I didn't want to fall through the ceiling so I twisted sort of funny and landed on my butt on a beam.

I have a bruise on my butt that is about 3" in diameter. And dark purple. and there's a knot under it. It was fun sleeping saturday night, because every time I rolled over it hurt enough to break into my dreams. Church was fun, too, because my slacks were a little tight and every time I stood up or sat down it hurt.

Then on Sunday, where the weather was very nice, I push-mowed my yard, tried to pull the worst of the weeds out of my back yard and mowed that and then planted flowers in my flower bed.

*And on the flower bed thing, I have something tearing up my flower beds! I didn't think racoons went after flowers, so I'm thinking possum again? Or maybe an armadillo? I'm going to have to go get another stupid trap and see what I can catch this time.*

I thought all of the bending and stretching would help break up the bruise. It sort of worked. The bruise got bigger around and the knot went down a little, but it still hurty pretty bad.

So Monday I go to my pilates class, only to find out that it hurt when I would roll over it. There are several excercises that we needed to skip because it hurt when I did them. And not in a good stretching muscle and reaching further way, in an Ouch! That freaking Hurt! sort of way. And again, the knot went down, but the bruise is now at 3".

But, I still have my ceiling intact.

Spring planting

2010-04-04T20:48:00.003-05:00

I planted 2 hydrangea bushes, purple, 2 black elephant ears, and I wasn't paying attention and bought a butterfly bush, but when I read the details after I received it I realized that it grows 6-8' (that feet, not inches) and needs 6' clearance (that's feet, not inches). It wasn't going to fit in the place I wanted it to, so I had to put it in a different spot. I also planted a rubber tree that was floundering in a pot. I cut a lot back so I hope it will transplant ok. If not, that's ok, too. I had a spot where nothing likes to grow so I put some aloe there. Aloe can grow anywhere so I'm hoping it will fill in that little spot. I'll wait 2 or 3 weeks and see what the plants do. If all goes well I'll start adding some annuals for color.

I couldn't find my turning fork so I had to break the ground with a hoe. My back and my hands are going to be so sore tomorrow. It's an ibuprofen AND acetaminophen night. But at least I don't have any blisters.

2010-04-01T17:10:00.004-05:00

I paid a guy to come clean out my front flower beds. They were in terrible shape, weeds and misshapen old bushes that didn't bloom anymore and my poor dead hibiscus (died from our 3 days of 28F weather...it never gets that cold down here, and if it does it doesn't STAY that cold for 3 days) and just in general cleaned up the beds.

I came home and am very excited. It's like a blank piece of paper...or, well, computer screen. I've already bought some plants that are ready to go in the ground, I'm getting a plan worked up. When I moved into the house I put all of my potted plants in the back yard and they've sat there for 3 years. I have a place for 4 of them, my 4 favorite plants, to go in the beds. I'm going to plant it like it won't freeze again next year. I guess if it does I'll just buy some cheap sheets and cover them. I even have a spot for some aloe to take over.

So I'm going home for Easter, but I'm probably going to leave early Sunday and come home and plant.

I'm so excited. Maybe too excited. Is it a little dorky to be this excited about plants? Maybe it's taking pride in the house? That's it! I'm just excited to be making my house and yard look nice. Ok, I'll go with that.

So late summer early fall, the Back Yard! DUHDuhduh (that's a sound effect. Starts off high and loud and goes to lower and softer)

life........

2010-03-30T18:35:00.001-05:00

Sorry I've been out of the loop. I'm going through a little funk right now. I'll be better soon.

:-)

SMurF: 0 Raccoon: 2

2010-03-15T10:29:00.003-05:00

Apparently, I'm not supposed to set my animal trap on friday or saturday nights, because the city won' t pick up animals on saturday or sunday.

Now, exactly HOW was I supposed to know that little tidbit of information??

Because saturday night I set the trap again. Guess what I caught??

The raccoon?? NO!! Another possum. We must have a tribe of them in the area.

I'm tired of taking care of possums, so I was going to have the city come pick it up, but it was Sunday, and they don't pickup animals on Sundays. Unless it's a skunk. Which I guess is good, because who wants a skunk hanging around in your yard in a trap for 24 hours?? But I digress.

I didn't want to transport another stinky pee-ing possum in my car.

So, I walked across my alley, into the vacant lot that's way overgrown with weeds, and I released the possum! I hope none of my neighbors saw, because it ran away from me and my house and into the neighbors yard.

oops.

Awesome link

2010-03-14T12:51:00.002-05:00

Read This

And spread the light.

Lord, give me eyes to see what others need, ears to hear their cries. Give me the strength to step in and help even when it seems like a fruitless gesture. Let me be a light, to spread good things, and to resist the urge to 'ping'. Amen.

SMurF: 0 Raccoon: 1

2010-03-12T11:06:00.002-06:00

Last night I finally saw my raccoon. This is a big raccoon. My biggest cat is 18lbs, and the raccoon is noticeably larger than Lumpy.

I set the trap with cat food. I heard it drop around 9pm. Excited, I went to the back door to see what I had caught. I had caught nothing. The raccoon sprang the trap from the side without being inside. When I turned on the light (s)he glared up at me rather accusingly.

So I tossed an apple to the very back of the trap, and I went back a little while later, and (s)he was standing at the side of the cage, and glared at me rather accusingly again.

So I decided that I needed better bait, and I sacrificed one of my really good yogurt cups. No go.

So this morning there was nothing in the trap.

I'm going to try peanut butter on bread tonight.

2010-03-11T18:17:00.004-06:00

While I was gone on cruise my cat-sitter started to realize that I was getting a raccoon in my house, coming in through the cat door and eating the food, generally making itself at home.

I was NOT Happy! So I make sure to lock the cat door at night, rather than just close it.

The other evening, I was sitting watching tv when the cats all started to growl. I got up and saw a fluffy striped tail streak out of my kitchen, out of the cat door and into the night. I chased it away and promptly locked the cat door. A few minutes later I heard a scratching outside. I went and looked out and the raccoon was glaring at me accusingly, that I had deprived it of its meal!

I finally got a live trap. It costs me $5/day. For the last 2 nights I have caught opossums. I was just going to call the city and have them come get them. But that first morning, it's been pretty foggy and misty here the last couple of days. And it had been a misty early morning and I looked outside and saw the most pathetic site I'd seen in awhile. It was hunched down, damp, and didn't even have the enthusiasm to look up and hiss at me. I was just too soft-hearted to have them come kill it, so I put the stupid trap in my car and drove it out to a rural area and let it go. And let me tell you, that sucker RAN away from me. As fast as it's four stubby legs would carry it.

So this morning when I go out, I was a little less than thrilled that I had another opossum. Now I wonder exactly HOW many opossums I have in the area, and crap, were they getting into the house and eating the cat food, too??

The opossum from this morning was smaller ( and probably younger) than the one from yesterday. So, again, pathetic damp opossum + My soft heart=car ride and release. But this little butt-hole peed on the plastic that I had put under the cage. It was only on the plastic, it didn't get into the fabric of the car at all, but the plastic he (she?) peed on was one I carried for just such situations, and I hated to throw it away, so I just folded it carefully and left the whole thing in my car with the windows cracked.

very. bad. idea. v.e.r.y. b.a.d. i.d.e.a.

Cause, ya'll, possum pee stinks. Bad. exactly like you might think possum pee might smell like. yep. and the open windows did nothing to help that.

Once I was home I rinsed off the trap and put the plastic sheet on my fence and bleach-sprayed it and cleaned it, too. I parked the car in the garage with all the windows open, so hopefully the car won't have any residual smell. And in the morning, it's another opossum, I might have to call the city.

I wonder if I can convince myself that they release them into the wild?

pictures

2010-03-10T15:36:00.002-06:00

Ok, I think I have my Flickr accoung anonymized (that's spelled right, I double checked it!).

So my Cruise Pictures are here.

:)

question for the readers

2010-03-08T11:39:00.003-06:00

I went ahead and sent the blanket. I put a note in explaining that it was imperfect, but made with love. I'm not sure she'll keep it, but even if she gives it away it will make a baby warm and happy, so I'm ok with that. Rather like releasing it into the world. It will land where it's supposed to.

I have a friend. Ok, well, we were friends in high school and college, but her husband doesn't really like me, so for the last 4 years or so we haven't been in touch. But we're Facebook friends.

She's expecting her second child any day now. I made a blanket for him.

I realize that I'm not sending the blanket for her, I'm sending it for me. I would like to think that if I had such good news to share that she might care enough about the friendship we had to make the gesture for me, so I'm making the gesture for her.

The thing is, it's not the best blanket in the world. I started it several years ago with a larger needle than I used to finish it, so one end is definitely a different pattern, and longer than the rest, so the whole thing is sort of square that is longer at the top than at the bottom.

On the other hand, it's a beautiful soft blue and the yarn is super soft.

So, the question is: Do I send her this slightly deformed looking blanket, or do I just let the whole thing go? Does the fact that it's rather mis-shapen send the wrong message? Like, that I cared enough to make the blanket but didnt' care enough to make it look better than it is?

Help me!

Ice Skating with Emma

2010-03-02T14:11:00.003-06:00

I went ice skating with my niece on saturday. It was a lot of fun. She's pretty good for being 4 years old. She can go forward, backward, do a little spin, and if you hold onto one hand she can skate on 1 leg. She's starting Beginner 3 next week, and my SIL already has offers to take Emma on for private lessons. Apparently they see talent there that could be encouraged.

My brother is about half excited. What if she's REALLY good and someday makes it to the Olympics?? SIL and I both laughed. Maybe, but it would also be cool if she was just good, and enjoyed it. Then she could get a job at the rink as a referee, or help teach beginner classes.

It was weird,though. If it was just me and her on the ice she would skate on her own fine, but if mom was there, she would cling to her mom's arm like she'd never been on skates before.

We were on the ice on saturday, which has lots of lessons and lots of kids, young and old, playing on the ice. And I noticed that lots of the little girls had the cute little ice skating dresses. So I got it into my head that Emma needs a skating dress.

Do you know how much skating dresses are??? Brand new from the store, $50 to 100+. Worn once or twice on ebay? $30-60. WOW! $100 for a new, girls size 6 skating dress??? $40 for a used one? I was thinking $40 for new and $15-20 for used. I found a pattern for a skating dress. I'll see how hard it looks. I might be able to make one.

Idle Hands

2010-02-20T21:32:00.003-06:00

It's a curious thing. I started crocheting because it gave my hands something to do while I watched TV.

Then I got this really nice laptop. And instead of crocheting while I watched tv, I played on my computer.

It turns out that I can only play on Facebook for so long.

I can only read blogs for so long.

I can only play so many games.

I can only read the news for so long.

And once again I'm looking for something to do with my hands while I'm watching tv.

It makes me smile, that I'll end up reverting to the same thing that has kept idle hands busy for hundreds of years. Plus, I have some baby blankets to make.

On a Side Note:

I gave a blanket to a married couple in 2007. The wedding was in July but I didn't get them the blanket until probably september. It was HUGE and it took FOREVER. But I ran into the wife last weekend and the saturday night Mardi Gras Parade and she told me how much they liked it that it was super big and covered their bed and was so warm that they used it every night. I'm pleased and honored that they like it and use it and feel like it is something to be cherished. It makes me want to start crocheting again.

Spoken like a man.

2010-02-18T12:24:00.003-06:00

Men, I'm warning you, this is a girly post. I talk about my girly-bits. You're reading at your own risk.

My job is such that there is no such thing as a 'just a bug'.

When I hit a fever I have to let Environmental Health and Safety know and I have to go to Employee Health. They do a screening to make sure I haven't been exposed to the agent I work with. Unless you haven't been working with your agent for several weeks they invariably give you a series of antibiotics. I'm not a big fan of taking antibiotics unnecessarily. I try to reject them when I can.

However, in this instance I have been working with infected animals for 22 days straight (as of yesterday). I hit a fever or 101 on wed morning. So I was told I had to go to employee health. They of course prescribed me 7 days of antibiotics. Tetracycline. I don't think I've ever taken tetracycline. I don't like it. Eating restrictions, timing restrictions, it makes my stomach upset when I take it and I can't take anything to help it. I am drinking Ginger tea, but it only helps a little bit.

Now, first of all, we don't have an outpatient pharmacy any more. And since I didn't get this sickness at work so that it would be treated by workers' comp, yay, I get to pay for this antibiotic. Also, it's 500mg 4 times a day. Seriously, 2000mg per day? Two THOUSAND? Is that really necessary? I'm also prone to yeast infections, and 2000mg/day for 7 days will definitely give me a yeast infection. So I asked for a prescription for Diflucan, too. His suggestion? Just start with the cream and take it during the course of the antibiotic and then I don't have to worry about it.

Spoken like a man. I HATE the cream. I especially hate the 7 day cream. It's gross, icky, nasty and makes a mess. For 7 days. I was thrilled beyond belief when they made the 3 day, and then the overnight! AWESOME! So when they came out with the pill, I was beyond thrilled. I have a multi-refill Rx from my gynecologist. YAY!

I didn't want to use one of my refills frivolously. So I asked the doctor for a prescription for Diflucan. He sort of rolled his eyes and wrote me the prescription. He said, 'You can't take this until you get an active infection. With the cream it's preventative'. I didn't dignify that with a response. I just looked at him.

And we haven't been camping since.

2010-02-11T10:59:00.003-06:00

Ok, another one that made me laugh.

Here is the whole page but the last one made me laugh out loud, so I'm posting it here.

WINNERS

Outdoor Kids Foundation - First Ever Essay Contest Winners
3rd Grade

Shawna Branch - Honorable Mention Essay
"My Camping Trip"

One fine weekend in the middle of August my family decides to go on a camping trip. Our destination - Rothberry. It just happened to be a very cold weekend. We were not at all prepared. We didn't bring enough blanket's or food. But I had my fishing pole. My dad complained and wanted to go home, but my mom was determined to make it a good camping trip. We went to a grocery store and bought worm's so I could go fishing. Mom said real campers went fishing for food. Well it didn't go well. I didn't catch one fish. Instead I caught a turtle. He was the size of a dime. We put him in a bucket and took him home. Mom had given-up on our camping trip. You see dad forgot the cooler which was supposed to be in the truck first. So we had nothing for dinner. We packed up and went home. The cooler was on the porch. We got the hot-dogs out, roasted marshmallow's over the grill at home and we haven't been camping since. THE END.

That just cracks me up. I can see mom being all mad and then when they pull up the cooler is sitting on the porch. I'm getting tears in my eyes and I can't stop lauging.

hm. maybe my emotions are a little off today. Darn PMS.

You have got to be kidding...

2010-02-11T10:31:00.002-06:00

Isn't a Jeff Foxworthy joke?

You might be a redneck if you have part of your wedding reception at Wal-mart?

I know for sure it's a Jeff Dunham Bubba J. setup.

TA-DA!!

2010-02-10T21:19:00.003-06:00

The final act!

My cat Howler now has the same upper respiratory infection that Annie had. I took him to the vet tonight. He stopped coughing. Apart from a very slightly elevated temp, he had a normal exam. No antibiotics. But got a lecture on how cats can get heartworms and I should have my cat on Revolution ($20/month/cat=$60/month) and that this could be the beginning symptoms of heartworms and I should get a test.

(sigh) I have no money left. I had $71 left in my savings account after all of Annie's medical stuff. That was it. I understand that the vet is probably coming from genuine concern for my cat, that cats do get heartworms and it's a terrible thing when it is something you can prevent. But I am OUT OF MONEY. This is it. I emptied the savings account. Paid some out of pocket. The rest was on my credit card.

I don't have money for a test for heartworms.

Besides, I know what's wrong with him. He has the same upper respiratory infection that Annie had. Cough and sneezes. Because 90% of the time it's not the great big thing that's wrong. It's not heartworms. It's just a respiratory infection.

But did I leave with antibiotic? No. Why? His exam was normal. No coughing, no wheezing, no nasal or eye discharge. But, I said, that's because I caught it really early, that he had started coughing this morning, even if he wasn't coughing right that moment. No. Normal Exam.

Tonight he is miserable. coughing 3 or 4 times a minute. Sneezing every couple of minutes. Poor baby. So first thing in the morning I'm going to call the vet and say, 'He is coughing 3 or 4 times a minute, and sneezing, too. I want my Clavamox, please!'

And will they believe me? Probably not. But that's ok. I'll still get my antibiotic and my cat can start to feel better soon.

You're Not Funny, God~

2010-02-09T14:14:00.002-06:00

So, see down below where I thought I had a really good thought about giving my cat antibiotics from work? Yeah. That worked about as well as I was afraid it might.

I started the antibiotic on Friday night. Saturday night I gave her a shot of medicine and noticed a rather large abcess that was breaking open on her left shoulder. It was HUGE, a little larger than a silver dollar.

It was 6pm, the vet had closed at 4pm, and there wasn't a vet for 50 miles that was open on Sunday, so I took her to the emergency vet. That steroid shot on Monday? not so great for the infection. It cost $331 to knock her out, shave and lance the abcess, rinse it out with betadine, wake her up and put an E-collar on her. That, plus the $60 I had spent on Monday, and I'm in the hole $390.

Now, remember WHY I started her on the antibiotic? That whole cough/sneeze thing going on? The long-lasting antibiotic that the emergency vet had given her wasn't helping. In fact, by Monday she had gotten obviously worse. So last night I took her to the vet AGAIN, where I paid Another Office visit, and got a different oral antibiotic for the upper respiratory infection. Which cost me $50.

I have now spent $440 in 1 week for this cat. This is it. I'm out of vet money. I don't have any extra money for 2 or 3 months now.

I have all total probably $1200 into this cat. She's the most expensive pet I've ever had. I'm not sure I can justify putting her to sleep, even if she's really sick, because of how much money I've had to put into her.

Dear God, You're not funny. Amen.

Workplace Ethics Violation

2010-02-05T14:59:00.003-06:00

hehe. it's a good thing this is mostly anonymous, because I could get into just a tad bit of trouble for this.

Last weekend my cat Annie was sick. Not bad sick, just staying-inside-the-house-not-moving-but-still-eating-and-drinking-sick. And there isn't a vet clinic within 50 miles of me that's open on Sunday, except for the emergency vet clinic. This wasn't an emergency.

So I took her to the vet on monday afternoon. Not much of a fever, nothing to indicate sick, she just didn't act like herself. Her flea allergy was pretty bad, so they gave her a shot of steroid, thinking she was just a little sick from the flea allergy.

Wednesday she started sneezing and coughing. Upper Respiratory Infection. Simple! So I called the vet this morning to see if they would just prescribe some antibiotic. Because they had just seen me on Monday. This was only Friday.

Nope. They had to see her again, and that would be another exam fee, then plus the cost of the antibiotic.

This annoyed me. Actually, it came close to ticking me off. Not quite, but pretty close. I mean, seriously. It's been less than 4 days!!!

So I was talking to my friend at work, and she says, 'We have Gentamicin here at work'.

*light!* We do, don't we?!?!

So, I got online and looked up some stuff. Gentamicin is indicated for upper respiratory infections, and since they wouldn't do a swab and culture it to see what the actually bacterial infection is, I looked up the dosage for a 12lb cat, made my solution here, and I have 7 days of injectable antibiotic!

Man, sometimes I LOVE my job.

CRAP!!!

2010-02-03T15:48:00.005-06:00

I'm still working on getting pictures on here. I took 174 (I know, I thought it would be more, too) and I would like to be able to link to them at Flickr as an anonymous viewer without giving the ability to link through to a public page.

Sometimes technology is too hard!

Ok, Katie. Help me here! Or Rockle, if you can help more that would be great, too.

edit: I'm not picky here. Anyone who can help me with this is more than welcome to help me!

I refuse to post until I can get these damn pics up!!!

That's a good excuse for not posting, right? I'm being determined, and not just lazy. yeah, yeah. that's it. Determined!

Damn Flickr

2010-02-02T13:27:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to use Flickr to post some pictures from the cruise, but for some reason it keeps uploading them in reverse order so you see the last pictures first.

Why, why is it doing that? I renumbered the pictures, so that instead of picture 1 it is picture 001, that way 001 comes before 010 or 100. That didn't work. I tried to re-order the list. Since it seems to be that the last picture uploaded is the first picture in the slideshow, I thought if I ran the pictures with the last pictures on the top and the first pictures at the bottom that would work. It didn't.

So then I tried to make the slideshow run in reverse, but that didn't work either.

Can anyone help me with this?

I would like to post the pictures but I would also like them to run in chronological order.

Well written and articulate. sort of. I mean, sometimes.

2010-01-28T19:06:00.003-06:00

So I totally stole a new badge on my page, it's called Blog With Integrity and I got found it at Rockle.

I like the idea behind it, that you be expected to act and react as a rational and clear thinking adult. Not that I'm normally rational and clear thinking, but that I should hold myself responsible to that ideal while in this public venue.

Wow. That was well written and articulate. You should know that I'm not normally like that. But then, I guess if you read this blog long enough you would know that. But then again, I do try to be well written and articulate when I blog. So maybe it doesn't come across? But then you get paragraphs like this one and you must realize that, in fact, I am NOT usually well ~~written~~ spoken and articulate.

Maybe I just shot myself in the foot, huh? Because, yeah, that's how I roll.

Ok. See you next time.

WAIT!

2010-01-27T19:54:00.003-06:00

But guess what was waiting for me when I got home!

My cat sitter noticed something was amiss.

So I locked the cat door sunday night. And heard several Bang Bang Bang's. I went out to the back door and turned on the light and guess what was looking up at me from the back porch?

Yes, my friends, my pet raccoon is back. I called the city to see if they could come trap it.

I've had to be very careful to make sure and lock the door each night. He's (she's?) tried it several times in the last few nights. I just hope it's not coming in during the day.

I hate to think that they'll have to kill it, but realistically that's what they'll have to do. :(

But I don't want a raccoon in the yard. they can be terribly destructive.

YAY for Vacation!

2010-01-27T19:41:00.002-06:00

Hello friends. I'm back from my absolutely fabulous wonderful fantastic most relaxing ever vacation.

This is probably the best vacation I've ever had. My cell phone didn't work in any of the ports, and I wasn't willing to pay the exorbitant priced they wanted for wireless internet access, so I was completely unavailable for 7 days. It was glorious. I didn't even think about work until wednesday.

We stopped at Jamaica, Grand Caymen, and Cozumel Mexico, which is an island. Did you know that Cozumel is an island? I didn't know that. I thought it was a peninsula.

The best excursion was in Cozumel, we went to an all-inclusive beach park. for $70 we got the bus ride out, free mexican food all day, free drinks all day, free water toys all day, free sunshine sitting on the beach on a white chair under a blue umbrella and a the bus ride back into town. Totally worth every penny.

I wasn't seasick until the 3rd day and it began to progress from there. By the time we got off the ship sunday morning I was looking forward to being on land where the building didn't sway.

OH!! I also cleared $400 in the casino on saturday on quarter slots. YAYY!!!!! Paid for the excursions and some of the drinks and souvenirs and stuff. I probably fed $60 back into the slots, but I kept most of it. They played really well until saturday night. I could play for several hours during the week and it would keep letting me win. I could play out $20 for 2 or 3 hours. Saturday night I put in $10 and lost it within 10 minutes. Then $15, and I played for maybe 20 minutes. After that I quit. I let my traveling buddy Karen play.

I'll post some pictures soon.

SPCA

2010-01-15T11:14:00.003-06:00

Ok, I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm about this *fingers mm's apart* close to tears, and have been for a couple of days. Maybe the cruise, and I'm just that excited?

Anyway, this story was sent to me by a friend. Long story short, I found myself at the website for the local County Animal Shelter.

Some of the animals are listed as Critical. As in, if someone doesn't act soon the animal will have to be put down. So I kept scrolling down the page. And seeing more poor kitties and pups that just wouldn't be long for this world because stupid people don't get their pets spayed and neutered so we have so many animals that shelters can't hold them all.

So I'm sitting on this site with tears in my eyes before I thought, 'DUMMY! Stop looking that this page!'

It breaks my heart that these animals have to be killed and the only reason is that there isn't anyone to take care of them.

But you can't save the world. Even if you want to.

yay!!

2010-01-13T10:36:00.003-06:00

The plumber came today. He told me I didn't need an outflow valve. I pointed out that the manual says it should have an outflow valve.

We checked the shower, the faucet was installed upside down so the water was mixing properly and that was why the shower wasn't working. It didn't have anything to do with the water heater at all.

But I asked him to please install the valve anyway. After the cruise he's agreed to come do it. He agreed grudgingly with a sigh, but he agreed. I'm also going to have him make the outside faucets and toilet tank run with cold water instead of hot. But as long as I know it will happen I've lost some of the flat-out pissed off that I was feeling.

Soft-hearted

2010-01-12T18:15:00.002-06:00

So, I had a really nice futon. I have been looking at it for 3 years, and I thought it was pretty bad. Until I realized that I just sold a $150 futon for $35.

They were so cute, a young couple going to Austin to start at UT this spring and have a lease on a 3rd floor apartment and didn't want to have to carry a big-ass couch up 2 flights of stairs.

And she was so anxious, was it only $35, but had I made a mistake and I meant to put $135, or was it really only $35?

And I smiled at her 19 year-old expression of excitement and my heart melted. Her first step into an adult world and she has a nice futon to start with.

She probably needed the money more than I do.

I know. I'm so soft-hearted sometimes.

YAY! and 'I don't care'

2010-01-12T10:38:00.004-06:00

1. YAY! the plumber is coming tomorrow to look at my hot water heater!!!

2. I scheduled a cruise last year for the 17th through the 24th. This spans my birthday, by the way. My boss is pretty ticked off at me. and I don't care. at all. We've planned experiments around this cruise so we're only going to be behind by 2 or 3 days, which, once again, I don't care.

I'm really excited about this cruise. We booked it a year in advance, so we got a balcony room pretty cheap. The cruise is booked full except for a few balcony suites. We're going to try to upgrade to a suite if it's not too expensive.

My birthday is the 21st, I'll turn 35, so I figured this would be an excellent present to myself.

A Not-So-Daily Prayer from the Lab

I got sucked in O.o

Cooking Attempt # 1? sure, let's say #1

Things that make you go hmmmm

Overshare!

This one is a little deep.

I'm just not that fond of Ladder-Climbers

My First Manic Justification. Alternately titled: This Insurance SUCKS!

Yet another ramble, this time about work

Being nice

A good thing, indeed

Once Again, all over the place

All over the place

sad rambling

Walking contradictions...

OH!

Holy crap, ya'll

Should I stay or should i go??

It's the little things, ya'll

A New Oppurtunity

(sigh) Can you disown your brother's family?

eh, screw it

Hate to have to do this...

...oops!

It's Tuesday. Hello Tuesday!

Christmas story

A new Year!

Thanksgiving, a week late

More wedding

Really???

Holy Cow!

4 DAYS!

One More Step

Trivia Friday...on Saturday... oops!

I think I like this

Something new

(sigh)

cool!

A Strange Thing Occurs To Me

Another Depressing Family Post

Red light Green light

Epicurean Event

Wedding Stuff

Home

Updates

Weekend

I've developed an eye twitch

Day 2

Mom

The Best, and The Worst

This isn't my fault, people!!

*sigh*

What might have been.

A rather expensive cheeseburger

So, I'm a wuss

Another Blog/Dating question

A good weekend

The End of my World!

Gary Gnu: Where No Gnews is good Gnews

I hate when I do stuff like this

Worth it in the end

TADA!!

A not-so-relaxing-vacation

{eye twitch and shoulder spasms, and wordless mumbling}

A Drunkard's Tale

are we sure today wasn't a monday?

WOOHOO!!! Trivia Friday!!

3 steps forward 2 steps back

Ramblings

With friends like this

Another Existential Question

Insulation

yard work

Spring planting

life........

SMurF: 0 Raccoon: 2

Awesome link

SMurF: 0 Raccoon: 1

pictures

question for the readers

sigh